Thoughts on Judaism

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Rebel's Dictionary

Tip of the hat to Ambrose Bierce

Atheist - Someone who does not believe in a god that he has created.

Monotheist - A person who believes in exactly one more god than the atheist.

Agnostic - Someone who is too wishy washy to say that he doesn't believe in G-d, among religious people, nor to say that he does, among staunch deniers.

Heretic - Someone from my community who disagrees with my religious views.

Infidel (pagan, goy)- Someone from another community who disagrees with my religious views.

Lashon Hara - When someone speaks negatively about me

Musar - When I speak negatively about someone else

Ahavas Yisrael - What those guys in that shul (of which we do not speak) don't have.

Chabad - a monomonastical cult of crazed amharatzim, with some customs similar to Judaism (colloquial: Misnagid)

Misnagid - a multimonastical platform for self aggrandizement and misguiding the Jewish people (colloquial: Chabad)

Charedishe - the fear that someone somewhere might be enjoying themselves, or having a rational or original thought (Menken, revised).

Takanas Olam (correction) - when I disagree with you

Machlokes - When you disagree with me.

Teefa Machshoves - Conversation that interests m

Sh'tus - Conversation that interests you

Moshiach - Some sort of thing that Chabad people talk about alot.

Creationism - The scientific notion that G-d created the world in 6 days as the Torah literally specifies.

Intelligent Design - A way to teach creationism in science class without sounding religious

Evolution - Change; an evil doctrine which states that things change over time. For instance, scientists claim that once there were large reptiles with arms and legs and possibly a high measure of intelligence, but they changed into birds. This a terrible heresy. The next thing such people will teach is that snakes once had arms and legs and could speak, but lost these limbs and abilities.

Toyre - Compilation of every Charedi holy book from Cheemish to the latest fatwa against some heretic or another.

Scientists - an evil cult of maniacal atheists, bent on destroying the universe (colloquial: Charedim)

Mathematics - The main tool of the scientists, forbidden black art (colloquial: Charedim)

Science - Religion of the scientist cult. Unlike a system of truth based on sagacious interpretation of ancient tradition, Science bases its judgement of truth on mere observation and facts.

acupuncture, homeopathy, naturopathy, oriental medicine - True Toyre scientific healing arts. Doctors don't know everything!

America - an evil place where people are free to do anything they want. A place where, according to logic, people should fall off of the Earth.

Russia - A holy land.

Israel - no such place, though there is an evil gathering of chilonim on the ancient land that once used this name (colloquial: Charedim)

English - language of America, not fitting for a Toyre kind to learn such a language.

Yiddish -language of the entire Jewish world, except for Sefardim ... and Taimanim ... and most American, European and Russian Jews under the age of 60. Most of the Toyre is written in Yiddish.

Superstition - a belief in something irrational based on a failed ancient scientific fact, an illusion or a common fear. (See: mystical approach)

Evil eye, shaidim - Real malevolent forces of nature, solidified into reality by our infallible sages and their always literal pronouncements.

Failed science - Sciences that show no promise like modern medicine, archeology, or cosmology

successful science - Any science that is so obscure that I can say anything about it and only professors of that science would understand or be able to examine my statements, like quantum mechanics

Apologetics - Demonstrating the truth of Torah from successful science

Chasidishe - Something with which a chasidic believer agrees. A color which a chasidic observer likes. A practice of which a chasidic observer approves. (Antonym: apikursis)

oo=ee, aw=oo, o=oy, ee=i - Pronunciation guide for Yiddish, the true chasidishe language

Internet - No place for a nice Jewish kind, as expained on our website

modern - Concept that there are ideas, modes of dress, and scientific facts less than 1000 years old that might be valid. Forbidden philosophy.

Shtreimel - dead animal worn on the head

Mashke - What we must constantly consume for full Toyre understanding

Slifkin - He wrote books that were modern.

kefira - any religious concept with which I disagree

apikorsis - See kefira

Rambam - Greatest sage of all time, though some say he converted from Judaism to scientist, and he didn't really mean anything that he wrote.

Kabalah - Deep concepts of truth like how to make a goylem, how to exorcise a dybbyk, the secret behind the Ptolomyan astronomy and false observational facts in Toyre, and the undisputed source of the pidgeon cure for hepatitis (though no one is sure quite which page). Main dumping ground for all nonsensical concepts that are part of the creed. Fortunately, few people have enough real knowledge of kabalah to examine these assertions.

Mekubal - Israeli psychic performer

Miracle - a rare wonder that works against the laws of the physical world, even though they occur every day if we know how to look for them, and they may be couched discretely in natural occurances.

revelation - a revealing of G-dliness opening knowledge of G-dliness, though it may a hidden or uncomprehendable revelation.

5 Comments:

  • welldone.

    By Anonymous daat y, at 3:42 PM  

  • Brilliant!

    By Anonymous Yaakov, at 3:13 AM  

  • REFUAH SHELAIMAH

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:56 PM  

  • This remains one of my favorite posts of all-time :-)

    By Anonymous chabakuk elisha, at 1:19 PM  

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