Ida and us

As you must know by now, scientists found Ida, a 47 million year old (a lady never tells) protosimian fossil. She has fingernails, opposable thumbs and many features suggestive of humans, while being a pre-ape. It is proposed that she is way up on the simian family tree, before apes and humans took fully separate paths. She is not quite the "missing link", but she intriguing evidence of evolution in primate line.

Naturally, the faithful will write this off like they do all other evolution evidence, but it is now much easier to imagine that "transitional" form that spawned the higher families. It will go to show that no matter how much evidence is amassed, and there will never be enough for someone who is willfully blind and ignorant.

The oldest human fossils to date are in the 3 million year old range. The proto lemur-human will fascinate people who understand the science behind evolution, the medical progress that bolts forward on its account, and the greater new world that will grow from the knowledge that it provides. The Jewish people has accepted the truth of many things that challenged the common wisdom that has grown around it. We withstood the heliocentric universe, the refutation of spontaneous generation, the older than 5769 year old world, the refutation of 4 element physics, the refutation of Talmudic "medicine", the concept that certain anatomical ideas and ideas about pregnancy that were accepted by our sages were false, and severe challenges to our traditional history in archaeology. We are still plugging along, and the acceptance of evolution will not dent Judaism one small bit. G-d created man out of bacteria and ultimately out of other animals. Why is this so difficult for Judaism? Judaism does not even oppose it. The only ones who do are those that claim the mantle of "true Judaism", the Charedim, Chabad, (or for that matter, Jews who practice fundamentalit Christianity) and sectarian Jews of all stripes who imagine that Moses wore their particular type of hat and then throw in a bunch of their own platitudes in place of Judaism's diverse theology.

Ida has testified. But then again, she is a woman.

Pharoah's magicians

So were Paroah's magicians real magicians or mere conjurers? Rashi says they were magicians, the Rambam implies they were just conjurers, performers who pretend to do magic. The first plague they were able to duplicate, so that Paroah was unimpressed. The second they were able to duplicate but unable to remove. The third they could not manage at all. By the time of Shchin, they could not even help themselves.

The nature of belief in magic is that the observer cannot ascertain whether the performance is real, because even a conjurer looks real to a layman. The Ramban professed to believe in Arab bird readers, called tiarin, having been thoroughly impressed by their performances. Thousands believe that preachers at revivals do miracles. Millions may have believed that people could bend metal with their minds in the 70s, based on the tricks performed by Uri Geller, a former Israeli stage magician. Many thousands more believe today in TV personalities who claim to see the future and talk to their dead relatives.

However, just watch this old Criss Angel favorite, walking on water:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBQLq2VmZcA

or creating life itself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QW91Zdng-4A&NR=1

It seems Paroah's skepticism might have been well founded.

Is the Talmud fundamentalist?

This exchange with badrabbi below emphasizes a very essential point which badrabbi poses perfectly succinctly. The way that yeshivas teach Germora today, as if it were writ, undermines the entire basis on which we should study it. Bad notes the progress of this approach ad absurdum.

badrabbi: The trouble, RebelJew, is that the Talmud, the source of the Chanukah holiday miracle, is sold to us as the "oral Torah". We are told that contents of the Talmud are just as holy as the written Torah. Now, both you and I agree that the Chanukah miracle is concocted. Set aside whether the rabbis meant well or not when they invented this fairy tale, the issue is that this "holy document" has in effect been defiled by this obvious falsehood.

If you find a chunk of ham in a pot of soup, a rabbi would advise discarding the soup. What do we do with the Talmud now that we have found obvious falsehoods in it?


RJ: Bad analogy. The reason we would chuck out the soup is that we cannot fully remove the ham and all of its offshoots. The soup becomes a single entity through cooking.

If we had dozens of objects, apparently cookies, and I find one that is not edible in any way, that does not mean that none of the others are edible.

The Talmud is more the plate of cookies than the soup. The fact that many rabbis and yeshivas sell it as soup is a problem, but even the Talmud itself does not claim to be so. It is admittedly pastiche over centuries, the forensic efforts of later rabbis to ascertain the actual "oral law", not the oral law itself. Hence, it does not claim fundamental infallibility. That later ignoramuses(ignorami?) claim that for the Talmud indicates that they either do not understand how to learn Gemora or that they are trying to condescend to, (or worse, deceive) their followers, to keep them from thinking critically.

The lack of critical thinking in a philosophy based almost entirely on critical thinking is one of the most interesting and ironic things about Judaism.

Rashi invents Incest

Of all the weird or incomprehensible Rashis, this week's Parsha had a doozy. One of the sons of Shimon was Shaul ben HaCanaanit. All of the other sons of the tribes are mentioned only by name, but this particular one is singled out as "ben HaCanaanit". Rashi says "This is Dina who had relations with Shechem (a Cannani). She did not want to leave his house until Shimon promised to marry her." Presumably, he complied, resulting in Shaul. Besides the obvious fact that Shechem was dead, why should she not want to leave his house? So let's say that this discussion took place before Shimon killed Shechem, aside the fact that according to mefarshim, Shimon was 13 at that time. First, why is SHE a Canaanit? She was forced, according to the Chumash? She was the daughter of Yaakov and Leah. Second, if she wanted to stay, making her a Cannaanit, why does the Torah say that she was forced? Third, Canaanit could be explained any number of ways. Why does Rashi (ultimately the Breishit Rabba) choose this way of resolving the extra phrase? Rashi, recall, is explaining away questions that would occur on topical logic, the kind that a small child would be capable of. What is forcing him into this? Fourth, why isn't the sifsei chachamim, the Malbim etc. outraged? they are silent. (If you know a Mizrachi or Chizkuni on this, please add them, I do not have them available at the moment.)

Possible answers are easily refuted:

1) They could marry sisters, as Avraham said.
This is not an answer, since the question is asked by many on Yaakov marrying two sisters, an issur more easily excused to a ben Noach. It says that the avos kept the mitzvos. But even a ben Noach can only marry a half sister from the father, according to the halacha from Avraham. Shimon and Dina were fully brother and sister.

2) Pikuach nefesh
He killed Shechem and everyone in the city, so there was no pikuach nefesh. The rashi says that she didn't want to leave, not that she needed to be saved. Not to mention that incest is yaharog v'al ya'avor.

On top of this, later Rashi will explain one opinion that each of the brothers married twin sisters that were born at the same time. They all died before entering Egypt.

I am just lost on these Rashis.

3)

See where Family Squabbles go

In the mid-1980's, a long fight culminated when the Lubavitcher Rebbe won the rights to his father-in-law's book collection. The 6th Rebbe, a noted bibliophile, had collected books by the tens of thousands, covering philosophy, history, science, mathematics and secular Bible study, as well as sefarim from all over, some very easy to come by, some unique and extremely valuable. This huge library was schlepped through the Russian revolution and German occupied Poland, before reaching the US. A battle ensued between the Rebbe and his operatives on one side and the 6th Rebbe's only male descendant on the other. The battling began in 1950, in the wake of the Rebbe's death. As is with chasidic dynastic battles, the supporters of the two sons-in-law tried to make the case for their candidates succession. After some nastiness and thuggery on both sides, the dust settled, and the 7th Chabad rebbe, the younger of the two eidim, took the chair. The elder quickly joined him, partially to avoid further nastiness, and partially, most likely, that he saw that his rival was visionary and charismatic, and he felt that was best for Chabad's future. The elder's son, Barry, was completely excluded, even from sinacure positions or trifling inheritance, even though the Rebbe had unquestionably been very close to him. Thuggery on the part of some of the 7th Rebbe's operatives followed to ensure that Barry would stay away. There is no indication, even in Barry's stated opinion, that the Rebbe himself had known or approved of these actions.

The Rebbe's followers placed the books that they had salvaged in a large library in Crown Heights, and there they remained for some 35 years. Barry Gurary, for his part, attempted to secretly take some of the more valuable books from the library, in an attempt to sell them. Chabad says that he stole them. He claims that he had a right to them, as the Rebbe's sole male descendant. The Rebbe shrei-ed at every public gathering tht the books were martyrs, tht the books were "captives" worthy of redemption, that on them rested the fate of the universe, etc. etc.

Barry felt that no Beis Din in the world would impartially be able to judge a case where the Chabad Rebbe was a party, especially since he had expressed himself so forcefully. The case ultimately fell to a court of law in the US, and Chabad won the case, on the power of corporate ownership. The 6th Rebbe had put the books under corporate ownership, and the trustees of that corporation, known as Agudas Chasidei Chabad, or Aguch, were the official caretakers. End of story. That was 5 Teves, 1987 (if I am not mistaken).

To this day, I do not understand why the Chabad Rebbe felt it so necessary to include every Chabadnik in the family Broiges. (Do I include him in my broiges?) If, as Chabad claims, all Barry wanted is the money, why didn't they just buy him out? Shoin, everyone is happy? Obviously, there was more to it. If Barry wanted to stir up trouble, why didn't he bad mouth Chabad and try to gain a following? Exactly what anyone wanted out of this, other than sheer emotion and one-ups-manship, I do not know, and whatever it is, he did not get it. It became a rallying point for bad feelings and bad mouthing about Barry and his family, and ultimately, it was stained with silly apolocalyptic pronouncements and misapplied fervor.

One good thing did come from it, though. The Chabad rebbe, as was characteristic of him, found a good applicaiton, and bid that all Chabadniks remember the occasion by buying Jewish books for themselves, their synagogues and each other. (Granted even most of the books in question were not "Jewish books", per se, but it was a good way of turning a shameful situation into a positive initiative.) The apocalyptic pronouncements of our times will continue on 5 teves this year, no doubt in Chabad circles. But, it is my sincerest hope, that Chabadniks lose the Broiges aspect, forget the whole senseless historical affair, and concentrate on the message, that all knowledge, Jewish, philosophical, scientific, that strives to broaden our minds brings us closer to our proper service.

and then there was ... nitel?

What the heck is nitel, anyway? What does it mean?

Obviously, to the kabalistically minded, the holiness of something or other is violated by the shortest night of the year (which it is not anymore, but what the hay). Others specifically learned sedarim on that night, presumably to reject the kabala custom of not learning, and the Chabad Rebbe of that time denounced their actions. When I learned in Chabad, people completed the daily learning shiurim and then gathered for games of chess or just did laundry.

But, who first declared nitel a bad night. I mean, Easter we do nothing. Eid al Fiter we do nothing. Halloween, nothing. Even Christmas day, we do nothing special. Where did the "custom" of not learning, apparently in controvention of a Torah Aseh, get such prominence? Takana de Rabah?

Hanukah - a Fight for Tradition

I saw this post, from, Jewish Philospher, the guy who is either the scariest maniac in the frum world or its most angry parody writer. When you get past the base ridiculousness of the logic, the argument is actually made frequently in the frum world. It proposes that Orthodox Judaism is unchanged from ancient times until now. Judah Macabee would be perfectly at home in our synagogue liturgy and religious laws and customs.

The truth is, though, that the Hashmonai would be totally bewildered if he walked into a synagogue today. Tefilin might be familiar to him and Talis as well. However, he would wonder why we take them off after prayer. He would wonder at the lack of blue tzitzis. He might be familiar with Tanach. And there it ends. The Talmud as codified today would be unknown to him. The liturgy or the three davening a day regime would be unfamiliar. He would wonder at the lack of karbanos, until someone explained the logic to him that davening is like karbanos. He might or might not be familiar with Assyrian letters, but not as familiar as we are, since that is all we learn in our schools. Even Israeli pronunciation would be incomprehensible to him. Yiddish would draw a dumbfounded look, no doubt.

Hanukah, itself, would be completely alien to him. Latkes, sufganiot, dreidels would be unknown. The concept of lighting the menorah, adding one for each night for each person, and related halacha would be unknown. He might have an idea of lighting candles in general. The legend of the single flask that they found in the Temple with the seal of the Kohen Gadol would likely be unknown to him. It first appears in Talmud, 600 years later. It does not appear in Ktuvim Acharonim. To boot, the way we keep kosher, the way we keep Yamim Tovim, Sukos, Pesach, Yom Kippur would all be completely unfamiliar to him. Certainly, our method of keeping Nidah laws would make no sense whatsoever.

None of this is based modern scholarship. Every bit is based on the fact that the Talmud changed the religion, and he lived long before the Talmud, in the time of the Zugim. Not to mention, our current laws and theoloogy are largely based on modern kabalah, which did not come about for another 1500 years after his time. That is why many Rishonim sound like they could not into modern Yeshivas, because of their variant views of theology.

This JP post is fairly tame. But the concept that Judaism is unchanged for thousands of years is just a plain distortion of the truth.

Note: I will definitely strangle the next person who tells my children that the enemy in Chanukah was "the Greeks". We, in the US of 2008, are not "British", and the Syrians were not "Greeks". They were descendants of a helenistic empire, but with very distinct customs, language (dialectic Greek), and new mixtures of nations and populations, that were not Greek, Bactrian or Persian.

B.A.

The long silent seclusions, the moodiness, the secret nighttime missions. There can be no doubt. He is blogging again.

Bans from the Rav

Bans of the Rav

It has been custom to call many people "the Rav". Thus, when someone quotes the Rav, they are ususally safe, since they could be referring to almost anyone in the past 2500 years or so, since Rav in the Gemora. However, for purposes of these pahkevilen, only my Rav, a true chasidishe yid, maleh daas torah, is THE "the Rav". These declarations represent Daas torah, and as such, they are the declarations of the Ribono shel Olam Himself, not subject to discussion of any kind, and certainly not chas v'shalom to any sort of disputation. The real Torah True Jews of the world, who follow a true chasidishe Hashkafa, will be subject to all of these neshama saving measures immediately and indefinitely.

These measures will be tailored to bringing back control to the appropriate authorities through the traditional methods of public shame and accountability.

Internet

The Internet is a medium that users can use to get all manner of filth and garbage into their homes and minds. Emails, blogspots, craigslists, pornography, information about NCSY, modern Orthodox "dvar Torah", apikorsus, smut, filthy jokes, antisemitism, treif foods, and even information about evolution can be accessed in a few moments. Where once one would have to go into a smut store, library, or a Modern Orthodox synagogue to get access to such things, a person can now do so in the privacy of their own home, opening a world of temptation, rachmana litzlan. A community may be totally unaware that a member is accessing these materials. Also, one may order things to come to his home, without anyone of responsibility in the community able to monitor what he is doing. It is needless to say that any Chasidishe house must not have such Internet in their walls.

While "making a parnasa" opens the field to a wide range of ways to kasher this treife Internet, the Rav, in his infinite compassion, will allow certain individuals to have Internet in their homes for parnasa, under following conditions:

1) Responsible community rabanim, approved by the Rav, will be able to monitor all Internet traffic, through software installed on each chasidishe computer, like J-net. Being the most forthright and honest people in the neighborhoods, naturally all will trust the rabanim not to compromise passwords, security codes, or digital signatures.

2) The job or business must be approved by the Rabanim, and its reasons for use of the Internet must be justified thoroughly, under scrutiny of the Beis Din.

3) Anyone attempting to reach a site that is forbidden by the rabanim must face a din Torah so that the rabanim can remove his Internet access, and report all appropriate information in a pashkevil.

Telephones

A chasidishe house should not have a telephone, which can be used in all sorts of unseemly sins. Before phones, one had to go to a treif restaurant and risk being seen by others in the community. However, with a telephone, a person can order treif to come to his home. Even worse things can be ordered in "plain brown wrapping" rachmana litzlan, and others in the community might never know or see. If one must have a phone because it is required for parnasa, he should use only J-phone, which allows rabanim to listen to all of his telephone conversations, to make sure that he does not fall astray lo aleinu, oi meh haya lanu.

Mail

A chasidishe house should not allow mail to be delivered or sent. If a person must send or receive mail for parnasa, he should use only J-mail, which allows rabanim to inspect every piece of mail to make sure that he does not fall astray, oi va voi, hashem yishmereinu.

Electricity and electrons

A chasidishe house must never have electrons. While I am not expert in these matters, as I am just a simple kanoi, the Rav obviously know what electrons are, and would not have banned them without ample justification.

Cars

No chasid must ever ride in an "OTO" because of shmiras henefesh. Many car accidents happen daily, and if the ban saves even one life, it will have performed the act of saving a world, as it says, "One who saves a life, it is as if he saved the entire world." Also, people can go in privacy to places of ill repute, like "adult stores", non-heimishe supermarkets (which sell both kosher and rachmana litzlan non-kosher products), banned concerts, casinos, nightclubs and Modern Orthodox synagogues. People can travel quickly by car several miles to a secluded illicit spot, whereas such trips are impractical on foot. (see section entitled "Shoes".)

Music

All music is a danger to the neshama. Today's "Jewish music" is based on goyishe avoidah zara tunes that have been altered slightly or set to Jewish sounding words, even oi lanu mah asinu, words of holy pasukim, put to treife musical notes. Reports have been given to the Rav of new music being written as recently as a few decades ago, which our fathers and zeides never knew, lo aleinu. Singers create large concerts that are often attended by both men and women. However, even if there are only men at the concert, it is possible that women are lurking outside, waiting to meet illicitly with men. Needless to say, one who totally abstains from music, tavoi alav habracha. However, after much consideration , the Rav would allow one to hum ay ay ay or tum tum tum to no particular arrangement of musical notes. La la la is based on goyishe avodah zara and is forbidden.

News

No one should listen to news, even if it is not conveyed by a forbidden medium such as televison (chas v'shalom), radio or newspaper. For instance, even if a non-Jewish acquaintance offers to tell you "news", you must not listen, acknowledge or receive the "news" in any way. News programs generally use an attractive woman to deliver the news, which raises issues of lo sasuru acharei anaihem (television), kol isha (radio), darchei emori (all other forms). the Rav holds that this issur is d'oraisa, since it involves one of the most stringent rules in the Torah, men coming into contact with women.

Shoes

No one is permitted to wear shoes, except in climates where loss of limb may occur. In those cases, the feet may be encased in cloth and a sandal may be worn over the foot to prevent frostbite. Before shoes, people could not walk so quickly, and therefore, they could not attend the bars, newstands, Modern Othodox synagogues, adult stores, and other places mentioned above except with in a small area. Since no one has ever been killed in a shoe accident, its use may be permitted in extreme circumstances.

Use of language

In a chadishe hois is faran kein goyish. A chasidishe home should use authentic yiddish as its only language. Variants such as Yinglish, unknown to Moshe Rabeinu and the holy Chazal, are permitted only among those who can not remember the authentic pure Yiddish word and may waste time from Torah in trying to remember the correct word. Using languages other than Yiddish also allows Jews to speak to non-Jews chas v'chalilah and they may come to follow the ways of the goyim. As the Rav has taught us, in the days of the Tanach, David Hamaylech, spoke only Hebrew to deraybishter and Yiddish to other people. This is obvious from the pasuk in Tehillim, k'sus k'fered, spoken first to deraybishter in Hebrew, ksus, and then to the people in Yiddish, k'ferd.

Cereal

No Jewish house should ever have cereal, as the pasuk says in parshas vayaitzai, "ufarinu ba'aretz". It is clear that its only proper place is to be thrown on the ground. The antisemitic goyim have purposefully made certain cereals round so that they will roll under the furniture and radiators and cause the Jewish people to transgress Pesach, an issur karais, rachmana litzlan.

Cards

Playing cards are assur because of avodah zara. As we know, non-Jews use cards for fortune telling in a way that the Torah does not specify. Only fortune-telling in the ways that the Torah specifies can be condoned under certain circumstances, as the Ramban clearly states reish parshas Tazria.

Cumin

Cumin will not be found in a chasidihe house. The name of the spice cumin rhymes somewhat with woman, inspiring evil thoughts, hashem yishmarenu. On the same logic, anyone with chest pains must be put out the house immediately.

Photographs

It goes without saying that photographs are forbidden.

Indoor heat and air conditioning

Indoor heating and air conditioning is forbidden in a Jewish house. Such heating may induce women to remove their clothing, chas v'shalom. Air conditioning may induce women to put on attractive clothing.

Colors

Colors are the source of many michshalim and must be avoided at all costs. White, black and gray are permissible, if approved by community rabanim, in some circumstances. A person who is colorblind should say "hatov v'hamativ" along with morning brachas, for the immense blessing that Hashem has given him. Clothing that has "colors" should be removed from the closet and given to a non-Jewish charity.

Pesach for Commies

This holiday, like many others in our tradition, is based on a vanquishing war. While the Egyptians allowed us a place in their society, secure jobs and 3 squares a day, we repaid them with 10 plagues, the loss of all of their firstborn, the destruction of their armies and the loss of their hired help. They allowed us to build their cities and to go down in history. It is well known that the Jewish leader had a secret summit with Bush on Mt. Sinai before arriving in Egypt, the land of his birth, the land where he was raised in royal fashion. Now we understand! We declared an adventure war. And like all other wars, the big corporate interests were the main benefactors. Companies, led by Reynolds Corporation, soaked us in the blood of innocent Egyptians, and for WHAT? So that they could increase their bottom line of course, and so they did. But this is not the first time that big foil has used our kids as cannon fodder. Passover has become synonymous with rolls and rolls of the sharp silvery menace, something that the forebears of our people would never have tolerated. It is time for us to double our diligence, to stand together and declare with all of our might, NO BLOOD FOR FOIL!!! NO BLOOD FOR FOIL!!!!! NO BLOOD FOR FOIL!!!!

Farrakhan Finds the Problem

For your morning laugh, just read this article in AP. Here's a money quote for you:

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan stressed religious unity Sunday during his final major speech, saying the world is at war because Christians, Muslims and people of other faiths are divided.

People of other faiths? Who else is there besides Christians and Muslims? Oh, yeah. For those of you younger saplings, Farrakhan was the leader of the Nation of Islam, the radical separatist and racial supremacy organization, who regularly had crowds chant against "the Jews", who referred to Judaism as a "dirty religion" and who asserted famously that there was a large spaceship piloted by the "Hon. Elijah Mohamed" (who has apparently joined the ever increasing minions of dead people who aren't really dead) hovering above the Earth. Also, lots of politicians pander to him for some reason. When you think ecumenical unity, you think Farrakhan.

Hey Neturei Karta!! Why weren't you there?

A Worthy Goal?

Around the Chabad observance of Yud Shvat (the yahrzeit of the 6th Rebbe), much discussion is expended on the Holocaust, anti-Zionism, mesiras nefesh, and particularly, the ultra-frum response that kept hundreds of thousands from fleeing Europe. The 6th Rebbe of Chabad indeed advised that, given the proper service of Jews, there might be no war. This fits with Chasidus and with the principles of bitachon and emunah, as taught in Chabad. Indeed, stories are told of the Rebbe simply ignoring the dangers of jail when he was on death row in 1927, and that this is how he overcame the evil decree and was set free. Other gedolim advised their followers to stay, counseling that a secular Zionist Israel or a free America would cause damage to the people's frumkeit. Similarly, at Chaf Dalet Teves, the yahrzeit of the first Chabad Rebbe, much discussion centers on the fact that the first Rebbe supported the oppresive Czar over the forces of egalite' under Bonaparte.

As a justification in these cases, Chabadniks will point out that frumkeit remained strong in Russia, but it did not in France. Similarly, they felt it was better for the people to die in Europe than to live in America and risk diminishing their Jewish observance. Granted that when people came to America, many did do away with some of the frum observance. Also, granted that Russia was a frummer place than France, both before and after the Napolean wars.

However, my question is on the logic. Since when do we push away pikuach nefesh vadai on a safek (perhaps they will lapse in frumkeit). Would not a better course have been to save themselves and the people and then attend to them in the new places with extra kiruv, extra leadership, as has occurred thoughout the history of Judaism? Now, we get to the real point. Did these Rabanim not have faith in their own ability to lead? Did they prefer millions of dead Jews or Jews living in squalor and oppression to having to face up to their own insecurity in their abilities to shepherd the flock? Was it more important to keep them nursing from pure dogma than to save them from almost certain death?

Chabad was certainly not the only exporter of this philosophy. Satmar, Munkatz, all of the major Chasidic groups favored this approach in WWII. Complicating the pure philosophy, great efforts were expended to save the king bees themselves. The Rebbes of Chabad, Satmar etc. DID ESCAPE Europe and came to Israel and America, and they did start up their religious bases anew, as most of the communities back in Europe were destroyed by the war. The justification I heard this year is the most amazing that I have heard yet. According to one kiruvist rabbi, these Rebbes saved themselves so that their communities would not lose hope in the future. Also, they saved themselves while advising others to die so that the communities wouldn't take the attitude that they were willing to die personally, but they were not willing to allow their Rebbes to die, so the Rebbes saved themselves so that the people would follow their directives to stay. That's right! The Rebbes left so that the people would allow themselves to be killed!!

An aside about the example from Napolean, many chabad point out that the yeshivas remained in Russia but not in France. I would respond though that France was not a frum place before Napolean and continued not to be frum after Napolean. Would it not have been better to live in freedom and depend on Jewish leadership to stem the religious problems? Isn't that the definition of Jewish leadership or even just plain leadership? If these Rebbes were such great leaders, and they had people willing to sacrifice their lives for them in Europe and Russia, why were they so insecure that they could lead a refugee community to remain frum?

So, here we are today, with Israel and America never stronger in Judaism. People practice Judaism with impunity, spread the word and even get sponsored and protected by government officials to do so. Europe has very few if any of the old yeshivas, and they are all far weaker after the war, owing to the fact that most of their support DIED in the WAR! Russia, so far superior to France in frumkeit that the Czar was preferable to Napolean, was almost devoid of Judaism until about 17 years ago, and it is now being reintroduced. I also grant that much of this is due to the leadership of the 7th Chabad Rebbe, in the environment of freedom that exists today. I would argue that it is the environment of freedom, though, that allows these things to flourish, and that during the time of Communism, for instance, very few inroads were made.

So, with Iran flexing its muscle and trying to replace Naziism, I hope that future leadership is less shortsighted than in the past. I hope no one will say better dead than possibly frei (possibly not). Rather, I hope they will lead ... and live. After all, it is our children and grandchildren we are talking about. Now that is a worthy goal.

Sanhedrin - OK?

A bunch of alter talmidei chachamim get together and form a Sanhedrin in Israel. They present some reasonable hashkafas and some typical chredi fuming. For example of the latter, see point 3 on their condemnation of the Gay Parade in November:

We are calling on the Israeli Police Force not to provide a permit to this parade, to avoid violence. The manpower the police will invest to validate the parade, together with additional security, will paralyze thwarting attacks. If the parade will not be canceled, there will be a great need to create an investigation committee to investigate the attacks and violence. The results will pale in comparison to the Lebanon War II.


For example of the former see my previous post.

On the subject of General Naveh, they seem torn between a reasonable pleading and threat. They grant that Naveh is a prosettlements guy. OTOH, they disqualify that and threaten him, albeit very cagily, for allowing even one settler in a temporary trailer to be prevented from returning, even implying that, given druthers, the court might have sentenced him to death, "theoretically". Indictments don't make them look good or reputable. One of the prime movers has already been taken to task by the Israeli courts.

So they are reasonable radicals, is that it? On the one hand, they take a rationalist approach to hashkafa, confounding today's yeshiva's. While they stick to some wobbly apologetics, they clearly mean to soften the literalist hashakafas that we have seen. The very fact that they have brought back smicha, in the original sense, and formed a Sanhedrin, implies that they reject the mythical superman interpretation of the ancient sages, and they feel that they, and the people that they elect, are capable of reaching a similar level. So much for Daas Torah, yeridas haDoros, emunas tzaddikim, and the rest of today's Jewish Catholicism. Shteinsaltz is Rabbi Shimon HaTzadik. I can't say that I am disappointed, but it is shocking. The rebel court.

OTOH, they are pushing the same radical political line that is typical of the funadamentalist right wing. It clings to the unreasonable vision of the future of the state, the one that sees the Palestinians driven out to the last person. (I do not object to the morality of it so much as the practicality. It is never going to happen and condemning Israel to eternal war until it does is just ludicrous.) On the Gay Parade, they intimate that they condone violence, that the parade is just cause for the violence against the parade that will follow inevitably. Again, this says nothing about the morality of the parade itself.

So are they fundy wing nuts, or are they rationalist rebels? Or are they BOTH????!!!!

Mi Amar

Another blogger is on the loose, your typical J-Blogger, who believes in fallible Rabanim and nodding to modernity if modern science conflicts with sagely wisdom. Here is a short excerpt:

We find in the Jerusalem Talmud that one Tana brashly tells Rabbi Akiba, who was the greatest of the Tanaim, that he was mistaken. Thus in Taanit chapter 4, is stated, “Rabbi Akiba, when he saw Bar Cochba would say that he was the Messiah; Rabbi Yochanan ben Turtah responded, Akiba, even when grass will grow from your cheeks the Messiah will not have arrived”. Even the Sanhedrin can err. The first two chapters of Tractate Horayot deal with this topic. It has been stated concerning the Rambam, “From Moses until Moses no one as great as Moses has arisen”. Nevertheless, many wise sages have stated that the Rambam erred. Moreover, Rabbenu Saadiah Gaon states that we do not have to accept the opinion of our sages concerning nature and medicine if it does not agree with our present knowledge. We find a similar statement by Rabbi Avraham the son of the Rambam

Apparently the “error” is the great advantage of creation. There is here a paradox: It is forbidden for you to err, but the ability to err is what gives a value to your deeds and your opinions. Many of the medicines and discoveries have come about from errors. A similar statement can be made with respect to errors of the sages. These errors are essential for the development of a successful Jewish viewpoint that can adapt to the varied cultural realities, so as to absorb, digest and convert them to a Godly idea. An opinion of a Tana or Amora can possibly be entirely invalid at a particular place and time, and yet be completely valid at a different place and time. The Ramhal states in “Mesillat Yeshorim” chapter 20, that the law is forever in accord with Beth Hillel. However, we have a tradition that the law is at present according to Beth Hillel, but in the distant future the law will be in accord with Beth Shamai, which seems nowadays to be impossible, just as is a statement that a mouse is half soil. Possibly in another 50 years it will be possible, or it will then become clear that what was said will become relevant and in place. It seems that that is the explanation of the saying of the sages (Berochot 34:) “Rabbi Abahu said: the position of repentants is more worthy that of the completely righteous”. This means that an error corrected by a repentant makes him better than one who has never sinned. In some respects this is similar to the idea that certain particles in the universe behave at the same time as solid materials and as waves. A perfect item does not belong in the living world. We have not as yet sufficient information and understanding of the world and of the Creator to unerstand such paradoxes.

Sounds kind of like ... well ... me. But it is not. So what is the justification of basing halacha on what is ... in many cases ... error?

There is no sympathy in any culture for the idea that it is possible to claim that the spiritual leaders have erred. Such an attitude lowers the respect for the statements of the leaders. Has anyone ever heard that any country broadcast the statement that their High Court has erred? Moreover, the creative and mental expertise of our sages was in the fields of justice, thought and faith. In general the sages developed their expertise in science as a result of legal problems that were brought before them in the fields of agriculture, zoology, physics etc. Nevertheless, you will find in our culture, a culture of truth without any partiality, that we learn from the Torah that errors are attributed even to our sage Moses. Rashi states concerning three passages (Lev. 10 16; Num 20 10-11; Num. 31 21), that Moses because of anger made an error.

OK, not great, but not the silly, bombastic, condescending apologetics that we are used to. But can this guy's kids get into a yeshiva today? Will his daughter ever get married? Is he some modernishe like Hersh or Carmel Chas v'shalom? He is clearly saying that the Torah sh'beal peh erred in places on science, and that the only reason we follow it today is because we do it out of respect for the system, and in confidence that the system will eventually fix itself. Read his website. Yes, this guy is a throwback and a radical. He even proposes that he would form a group today to examine and correct the words of our holy, saintly, omniscient, ... er ... infallible ... Of those who follow the mystical approach of daas Torah and halacha psak making a new physical reality, he will have none of it. Who is he?

Or, who are they?

They're not cute anymore

Adin Shteinzaltz and company formed a "Sanhedrin" about 2 1/2 years back, trying to bring Moshaich closer, in the mind's eye if nothing else. They have made some quiet rulings without causing too much stir. One of their number was instrumental in the famous dud death curse on Ariel Sharon. Shayn, they were cute and little wacky, but harmless.

If the title linked article is the direction that they are headed, this Sanhedrin must be opposed by every Jew. Ruling that someone is a moser, and that they should be killed, even without a true Sanhedrin, is just scary. They even quote a Rambam (which they will be quick to tell you, we do not pasken like, if this were a kiruv shiur). While I heard nothing from them on the subject of the Neturai Karta, the nutjobs that side with Iran on the subject of wiping out Israel with nukes, they feel General Naveh is handing Jews directly into the hands of oppressors, so much that he is worthy to be killed, because he did not side 100% with settlers in every case. Of course, they do not advocate murdering the general, of course not. That is just what they said, not what they meant. Don't let anyone get the wrong idea.

Thank G-d that General Naveh has an army, and this collection of fundamentalist (keyword: mental) psychopaths does not .... yet.

Did the Rebbe know me?

As many of you know, I spent many years in the heart of Chabad, in Crown Heights, on shlichus, in 770, in the mosdos of the Chabad Rebbe. The Rebbe spoke volumes, stood at dollars lines for hours, and he spoke to gatherings every Shabbos, again for hours. He danced on Simchas Torah. He waved to the crowd. But did he ever know me? Did he ever put my name on a din v'cheshbon together with a face?

When I was in Chabad, the usual thought was that the Rebbe knew everyone, magically and omnisciently, like G-d Himself. We had no yechidus, no personal interaction, but Chabadniks envisioned yechidus in certain matters:

1) Between sichos, the Rebbe would nod at the crowd and answer l'chayim presumably. It was difficult to see or hear the Rebbe from much of the shul, but my mashpiyim were certain that the nod was a form of yechidus.

2) After yom tov, the Rebbe would make havdalah and give out kos shel brachah. If you could hold back the tide behind you or the mazkirim pulling you away, you might say something to Rebbe and he might even respond with a few words. Did he know the person or was he just responding to the request. My mashpiyim were certain that even the Rebbe's standard word in passing was yechidus.

3) If one were wealthy enough to donate $20,000 per year to Chabad's Machne Yisroel "millionaire's club", the Rebbe would spend a couple of minutes with the "gevirim". Here he might address a personal question. This was as much "yechidus" as anyone would have.

4) On the line for dollars, pamphlets, or whatever the Rebbe was handing out, again, one might stop in the line for a moment, but mostly, people just took the dollar and walked on. Again, this was yechidus.

5) On erev yom kippur, the Rebbe would have yechidus with the bachurim. This was more of a sicha than a yechidus.

6) On Simchas Torah, when the Rebbe danced, my mashpiyim told me that the Rebbe looked at each individual and that this was a yechidus.

7) In reponse to invitations to simchas, the Rebbe would sign a form letter for the vast vast majority. Even in response to a mailed question, if he answered at all, it would be a response to issue of the letter, usually, rather than a "yechidus". I was told that this form letter was personally crafted for each and every person, and that his non-response to a letter was just as much a response as an actual response.

I'll note here, that I am not blaming or criticizing the Rebbe for this. I would have no desire to try and make a personal connection and respond to the mail of the thousands upon thousands upon thousands. I am sure that the Rebbe made a monumental effort in this regard, and his visibility on the dollars lines and kos shel brachah proves that well.

But, my thought is rather, according to my mashpiyim, I had many personal yechiduses with the Rebbe and many other opportunities. Now, years later, I wonder if I ever even met the Rebbe. I wonder if he ever knew my name, my ideas, my potential, my feelings about anything. As I think of it, he never used my name in conversation or response. He never referred in a letter to anything I had said or mentioned outside the letter. Most of the time, it was a form letter response. When I gave the "duch", did the Rebbe see me walk by and think, that was the guy who put tefilin on Jews here? That was the guy who came from this place and became frum. Did the Rebbe ever know why I was there? Did he know of or care about my concerns, my dreams, my fears, my feelings? I know it sounds like chick stuff, but bear with me.


Certainly, I knew details that were recounted in the official record. I know basically what made him tick, but there was a lot more I wanted to hear. I wanted to know what bore and drove his amazing vision, his grand ideas of what Judaism could be. I wanted to know what he would have us do to bring Moshaich and why he was dedicated to that single goal. I wanted to know what he feared most and what gave him the most nachas. I wanted to know the person. But alas he spoke volumes, but in riddle form. In all the years, sichas, dollars, letters, I never got an inch closer to who this man was.

Did he know who I was? Did I ever even meet him? I guess I will never know for sure.

Is the Rabbinate Headed for Irrelevance

On the Main Line, linked in the title, has an excellent essay on what the Rabbinate expects from us little people. He is commenting in turn on this guy. A blogger seems to think we should be awed by current RW leaders, that we little peons have no business bashing them, criticizing them, analyzing their priorities and decrees, why, we are not even in the same league with these giants. We should accept their fiats without prejudice and with the humble understanding that we are cannon fodder.

Update: Upon further review of the play, it seems I have misunderstood the original point. Here is a restatement. A blogger seems to think we should be awed by current RW leaders, due to their learning prowess and some perception of his that they have interest in the individuals in the Jewish community. We little peons have no business disrespecting them, though we may analyze their priorities and decrees, even though they seem to be out of touch, at best, why, we are not even in the same league with these giants.

My point is still as ever, that respect as a Talmid Chacham can be earned by learning. Respect as a leader, can only be earned by leading. Respect as someone who take an interest in teg-teglicher Jewish life ... Well, you get the idea. I personally do not see anything that qualifies these "Talmidai Chachamim" to lead the Jewish community or to have their fiats received with fawning reverence, no matter how impractical, obtuse, or out of touch. I can agree that polite discourse can be had, provided that it is polite on both sides, and discourse, meaning two way. I'd even take a representative type discourse over a personal one, as prefereable to what exists today.

This is my response on On the Main Line:
How long has it been since the average person owned books, a couple of hundred years, tops? Then there was a period where "Jewish books" meant Beis Yehuda. Today, the average 12 year old learns Baba Metziah, and everyone has a copy of the text, and they even have learning guides, learning aids and linear translations, aids to learning mefarshim, un azoi veiter. Yesterdays students did not have these resources.

The challenge to the rabbinate is as it has always been, to LEAD. The biggest problem is that the rabbinate wants to lead in the 16th century, not in the 21st. They refuse to acknowledge that the average has changed, that technology has made the average person more learned and that cultures of democracy have made it impossible to lead by fiat, the only method that current RW leadership thinks is appropriate. Until they learn this, until they step up to the challenge, they are lunging headlong toward polite irrelevance.

Since they need to justify leadership by fiat to democracy tainted people, they had no choice but to invent the "mystical approach", a magic world where rabbanic proclamations and decisions make a new physical reality, where they have Torah granted superpowers and where the average highly intelligent layman is to be convinced that he cannot begin to understand their deep wisdom.

If this is their plan to lead Judaism into the future, (and I believe it will be until they are forced to see real reality), then there is likely little need to plan a future for Judaism.

The New Chabad Militancy

Whereas traditional Chabad had avoided much of the fundamentalist militancy of other groups, recent outbreaks of violent righteous indignation in Chabad-ianity are disturbing. Official Chabad quickly tries to disassociate itself from these incidents as the work of unstable individuals. But one cannot ignore the increasing number of these "accidents" and the complete inability of any authority to stop them or even denounce them unequivocally.

Sadly, this trend seems to have begun (in America anyway) with the vicious attack on Chana Shneerson Gurary, 20 years ago. The person who ran upstairs and committed the attack was declared (by the Chabad Psychiatry Association?) to be unstable and the incident was quickly sanitized, spun and the perp was whisked out of the country. The crime of the victim: She sided with her son and against the Rebbe in a family dispute over her father's book collection.

Lately, at the annual convention of shluchim, a band of one or two dozen "unstable" zealots threw benches at the participants. The victims' crime: They do not openly believe or promote Chabadianity.

Just this week, an "unstable bachur" ran an elderly magid shiur out of the room, to the amusement of his fellow "unstable" students. In fact, there does not seem to be anyone stable in the room.

Today, 770 has become a divided house. Downstairs, is the nut house, a ward for yellow fever, enforced by a small army of the unstable, and unchecked. Upstairs the yeshiva continues to function like a rudderless ship. Monuments, museums, and plaques adorn the area around the HQ of the once vibrant movement. The hopeful look to history to provide comfort where the present cannot. But one thing is certain, the instability ruse is grwoing mighty thin.

OK I admit it

OK I admit that I am a kofer. Here are some of the ikkarim that I do not believe (with perfect faith):

1) I do not believe that the Baal Shem Tov learned with Achiya HaShiloni.
2) I do not believe that Rav Yehuda Lowy (Maharal) created a Golem with kabalah formulae.
3) I do not believe that, if a woman walks over cut fingernails, she will miscarry.
4) I do not believe that demons haunt the first drop of liquid in a bottle.
5) I do not believe that lice reproduce spontaneously.
6) I do not believe that lava flows from the global flood interfere with scientific dating methods.
7) I do not believe that if a gadol baTorah paskens, that his psak will change physical reality.
8) I do not believe that sages are infallible nor that they could have invented airplanes.
9) I do not believe that people in Monsey heard a talking fish nor that people in yeshalayim met a prophetic dog.
10 ) I do not believe that anything bad will happen to anyone if you do not say "bli ayin hara" after admiring someone's good fortune.
11) I do not believe that people who keep deep chumras are any more religious or holy than people who do not.
12) I do not believe that the Ari Zal conversed with animals and plants.
13) I do not believe that if we conform to modern ideas in science and ethics, we are somehow worse off.

But I do believe with perfect faith in the coming of the Messiah. And the sooner the better. I am hungry!

The little bird is annoying

OK, I absolutely loathe the "Little Bird" song that they sing in Chabad children's programs. Below is a copy of the lyrics:

The little bird is calling,
It wishes to return.
The little bird is wounded,
It cannot fly but yearn.
It’s captured by the vultures,
Crying bitterly,
Oh, to see my nest again,
Oh, to be redeemed.

The little bird of silver,
So delicate and rare,
Still chirps amongst the vultures,
Outshining all that’s there.
How long, how long it suffers,
How long will it be,
When will come the eagle,
And set the little bird free.

The little bird is Yisroel,
The vultures are our foes,
The painful wound is Golus,
Which we all feel and know,
The nest is Yerushalayim,
Where we yearn to be once more,
The eagle is the Moshiach,
Whom we are waiting for.

So why would I despise a song with such admirable lyrics. It is just so, so SO SO. Here it is.
This song is a parable (note it is not literal even to the greatest fundamentalist maniac) about the travels of the Jewish people. As far as I know, no sage ever gave this parable, so it is simply conceived for the purpose of kiruv. But even if I am wrong, and it was said by the alter zeide of the Shlumkeforendiker Rebbe, this adaptation is so banal, so insulting to our intelligence, so "in your face", that I have to walk out of the room and supress nausea when it is performed.

The song is bad enough. It drones through very slowly and monotonously. As you see, one must endure 3 full stanzas of this repetitive chant. Arrrrrgh! But the lyrics are absolutely written for an IQ of 16.5, perhaps. It tells me the entire obvious parable. It tells me the entire nimshal, as if I am incapable of discerning some deep subtle point hidden in there somewhere. Its imagery is incomprehensible and obtuse, that somehow this little bird is hated by all the other birds, how it is suffering somehow, how it will be set free by an eagle for some unknown reason. It is trying to say a lot in a few words, but it ends up saying nothing in way too many. It stresses the shtetl mentality, how they oppress us, how they are all horrible, how we are all wonderful and righteous.

In the end, I suppose it wants to tell us that we yearn for Moshiach. But by the time we get there, we wish our eardrums had been punctured with an icepick, and the little bird had been mercifully shechted and fried for Shabbos. It teaches its audience the typical victim mentality, and that this is the reason we should want Moshiach. Personally, I don't think we should want Moshiach because of Iran. It is because of the prospect of "knowing G-d" that should keep us interested. Irans come and go and Germanys come and go, with or without Moshiach. Please guys, rip this one out of the song book.

Someone's Listening

Or maybe just thinking straight.

Thank G-d and kol haKavod to these Charedim. Finally a pashkevil worth posting.

http://extremegh.blogspot.com/2006/12/ban-i-agree-with.html

via Godol HaDor

Iran and Charedim in Sync

For Iranian moshichist Achmedenijad and his amen corner of neoNazis and whackjobs, it is not surprising to hear that he declares the Holocaust a myth and to hear him prophesy the nuclear destruction of Israel and millions of its inhabitants. It is not odd to see Jew haters the world over applaud his efforts to reunite Nazism. It is not odd at all for Tony Blair to declare the conference, like Durban 2001 before it, shocking beyond belief.

But what draws me out of retirement are the Charedim that applauded along with the creme de la scum of the world, as they did for the late Yasser Arafat, nephew and huge fan of Nazi Haj Amin al Husseini. In their vitriolic, but political, hatred of "Zionist" Israel, they also tacitly agreed publicly that the Holocaust is a myth and that millions of Jews should be exterminated. Congratulations gentlemen, vitriolic vicious antisemitism is now authentic Judaism. Disgusting? Revolting? Sickening? Projectile Vomit inducing? Is there an adjective for such an attitude? And you wonder why it is difficult to mekarev yidden into today's "yiddishkeit". If these people are the true shomrei Torah then I hereby KOFER THEIR TORAH AND THEIR GODS, and I am calling the mohel to SEW IT BACK ON!!!! Naturai Karta and those Charedim who support you, you are bitter enemies of the Jewish people!!!

Plagues of the Pharisees

Mesichta Sotah 22 Amud Beis (As translated at http://www.come-and-hear.com/sotah/sotah_22.html)

AND THE PLAGUE OF PHARISEES etc. Our Rabbis have taught: There are seven types of Pharisees: the shikmi Pharisee, the nikpi Pharisee, the kizai Pharisee, the 'pestle' Pharisee, the Pharisee [who constantly exclaims] 'What is my duty that I may perform it?', the Pharisee from love [of God] and the Pharisee from fear.

The shikmi Pharisee — he is one who performs the action of Shechem. (Rebel notes: Some explain, one who shows off, carrying his avodah on his "shoulders", others explain: One who performs mitzvos, milah for example, out of insincerity (going on the anshei shchem). Others explain: the deed of Shechem, that he tells others to perform some mitzva out of piety and then proceeds to take advantage of them. (going on the ma'aseh of Shimon v'Levi))

Obviously our sages were not enamored of the idea of people going about showing how they were holier than the rest of the world. It seems that they preferred a more humble and personal approach to avodah, one that did not include ever more extreme declarations of "piety". It is clear that they did not judge people based on how pious they "looked", on how they dressed, or on what sort of headgear they wore. They also had no love for those who mekarev-ed others in order to take advantage of them, under the guise of trying to bring them to a higher place.

The nikpi Pharisee — he is one who knocks his feet together. (Rebel notes: exaggerating that he is not walking with "pesia gassa", that he walks with his head down and with very small steps.)

Apparently our sages had no love for shows of extreme "humility". To them, humility was "done", not "expressed".

The kizai Pharisee — R. Nahman b. Isaac said: He is one who makes his blood to flow against walls. (Rebel notes: Some mefarshim say this means that he would rather walk with his eyes closed, even if it means that he will consantly smash his face into the wall, than look at women. Others say that this was an exaggerated expression of regret of sins.)

No comment required.

The 'pestle' Pharisee — Rabbah b. Shila said: [His head] is bowed like [a pestle in] a mortar. (Rebel notes: In davening, he bends his head so low, in exaggerated intensity, that the crown of his head is pointed down, and he is "shuckling" so hard, it looks like his head is a grinding pestle operating inside a mortar.)

The sages were at no loss for satire and sense of humor. No comment required.

The Pharisee [who constantly exclaims] 'What is my duty that I may perform it?' — but that is a virtue! — Nay, what he says is, 'What further duty is for me that I may perform it?' (Rebel notes: He already does everything perfectly in his eyes, so he is looking for a more challenging avodah.)

The sages are brevity engendered. He is trying to find chumras and "piety" customs to invent or carry on, not because they are the customs of his place, but because they make him appear to be more pious. The sages find this arrogant and worthy of satire. Similarly, the sages characterized Esav as a person who ma'asared salt to impress his father.

The Pharisee from love and the Pharisee from fear — Abaye and Raba said to the tanna [who was reciting this passage], Do not mention 'the Pharisee from love and the Pharisee from fear'; for Rab Judah has said in the name of Rab: A man should always engage himself in Torah and the commandments even though it be not for their own sake, because from [engaging in them] not for their own sake, he will come [to engage in them] for their own sake. (Rebel notes: I think he means that love and fear would be reasons to serve G-d, and the ideal is to serve G-d for its own sake. Abaya and Rava realize that one can use this in a good way, in order to reach the ideal. They understand the human failing.)

Apparently, our sages understood that certain standards were intended as ideals, but that there may be transitionary steps where most people will actually be in practical terms. They respected this concept, explicitly excluding "I am not there yet" from the definition of hypocrisy. They didn't try to bait people into faking compliance with very lofty ideals, but rather they removed such definition from the record.

R. Nahman b. Isaac said: What is hidden is hidden, and what is revealed is revealed; the Great Tribunal will exact punishment from those who rub themselves against the walls. (Rebel notes: R. Nachman's quote supports the ideas above, that false humility does not fool the main Interested Party. "Rubbing himself against the wall" is similar to "kizai" mentioned before.)

King Yannai (on his deathbed) said to his wife, "Fear not the Pharisees (Yannai's enemies) and the non-Pharisees (Tzdukim) but the hypocrites who ape the Pharisees (Rebel notes: so the fakers actually act like Pharisees, they wear the garb, do the shtick, sing the right song. Yannai says that even non-Pharisees, like Tzadukim, Biryonim etc. are less dangerous than people who make a show of it.); because their deeds are the deeds of Zimri, (Rebel notes: who claimed to be serving G-d publicly, even with his most deviant actions, claiming that he was only acting on behalf of the community) but they expect a reward like Phineas (Rebel notes: who was given the service of the Kehuna, power over the army, and a special place among kohanim. In other words, he got the extra measure of holiness in G-d's eyes that the "pious" Pharisees were trying to pretend that they had attained.)

The sages called it the Makos HaParushim, Plagues of the Pharisees. We call it _____________.

Pesach for Real Men

First of all, a real man would have waited until now to think about Pesach cleaning. I mean, why spend weeks and weeks? If you plan, like some girly man, you might find situations that are different than you expected and then you will PLAN some solution to execute, and then you will operate, given the amount of extra time that you estimate, and ... PLEEEEASE! A real man would attack the unknown, adapt to problems and overpower them. A real man looks at a 20 hour job with 10 hours to go and says "Let me at it!"

Before we start, some of you will say "but my wife will not be happy if I wait and she will pester me, and we will cleaning need help to finish it by Pesach and ..." GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a Pesach cleaning guide for real men.

Step 1:

EVERYTHING you own or ever owned, even on Pesach, has been exposed to chametz dust and chametz air. Throw all of the clothing in your house, especially custom sheitels, the furniture, the chachkes and all of the food into a big pile and BURN it. A huge fire blazing away, what would give a real man more pleasure than that?! Fire officials say not to do this in your fireplace, but in a well ventilated, outdoors, open space where a large open flame will not endanger people or ... SNORE!!! Burn that puppy right in the fireplace, or if you are really manly, right in the middle of your living room. Do keep a pail of water around nearby. This will strengthen you insurance claim if you do happen to burn the house down. No worries. Of course, some of you will just not be up to this level, but it is highly recommended. It is only required l'chatchila if you have children. If you are serious about Pesach and chametz removal and you have children, you have no other option. Oh, you told them not to bring chametz out of the dining area, especially after Purim. Yeah, RIGHT!!!

Step 2:

Replace everything that you burned except food. Some of you are saying "but that will cost a lot of money, needlessly replacing things." MAN UP, and stop whining!!!! You don't make enough money working on the docks or driving the truck? Get a job giving tattoos and body piercings at nights until you are caught up. Or just throw it on the credit cards and let someone else worry about they are going to get the money from you (the more traditional method).

Step 3:

Purchase your Pesach food. Buy matzah, wine, real horseradish root, an apple, a celery stalk, an egg, a chicken neck, kosher l'Pesach bottled water, and kosher l'Pesach beef (8 days x 6 lbs = 48 lbs.). A real man shops for nothing else. It goes without saying that during steps 2 and 3, you have never left your house, as the only way a real man shops is online. Total time for shopping online in steps 2 and 3, 20 minutes.

Step 4:

There may be a bit of mess after this but three rooms especially need to be dealt with, the living room, the dining room and the kitchen.

The Living Room
Nothing warms the heart of a real man more than the sqealing roar of a power tool in a closed environment. In the living room, you probably have a bunch of worthless crap, even if you did not follow step 1 fully, and it is not charred to ashes. (Not everyone is manly enough for step 1, and their wife stopped them. You can continue here, even if this is case. It will be our secret.) This worthless crap is mostly your wife's hand picked furniture or generational hand-me-downs (but they are sentimental, blech!), books, rugs, coffee tables, pictures and other things that are not power tools and are therefore of no value. Other guides, written for women and homos, recommend that you remove the items from the room and sweep, mop, and shampoo the rugs. No way!

Enter the best tool known to mankind, the leaf blower! Dirt and ashes get caught under around all this stuff and a 250 mph wind storm is just the thing. Just fill it with gas, pull the cord, enjoy the soothing roar, start in the farthest corner and move methodically toward the door. Time: 15 minutes. It's Pesach after all, so do it right.

Step 5:

The Dining Room

Basically, this is the same as step 5, except there is probably actual chametz here. So you must use the leaf blower to blow this out of the house as well. There may be spaces that are small, where the chametz got in and grew through dust accumulation. Use the power drill and / or circular saw to alter your wife's great grandmother's old hutch, so that chametz can be removed more easily. Remember, this is real chametz, not just kitniyos. And of course, use eye protection, gloves, yada yada. (Does that cover us in case some nutball cuts his finger off, Morty?)

Step 6:

Kitchen

Next to the leaf blower, the best tool known to humanity is the BLOWTORCH!! Many people blowtorch the oven and the metal sink, and I agree, but do not miss opportunities afforded by this amazing tool. The refrigerator, the freezer, behind the refrigerator, behind the oven, the shelves, the cabinets, the counters, and under the sink can all benefit from this bit of technological progress. For a real fast clean up, try leaf blower on one arm, blowtorch in the opposite hand.

Step 7:

Go to a hotel for Pesach

The former exercise was really just for enjoyment. Now go to a hotel, and you do not have to sell anything.

Step 8:

Cooking the meat. Fire up the grill! Put the meat on the grill. Wait.

Oh yeah, and have a kosher and freilichen Pesach, dude!

Pesach in the desert

As I go through the annual ritual of Pesach cleaning, I begin to wonder about some things:

1) How much aluminum foil did the Yidden use in the desert?
2) Did they all carry along a Pesach kitchen, along with their regular kitchen?
3) Did anyone eat together with anyone else, or did they only trust their own kashrus?
4) How much plastic did they carry with them for every exposed surface, double covered?
5) How many utensils did they carry with them in the desert, so that when one fell to the ground, they always had enough to replace it? Did it hover in the air, a miracle perhaps?
6) How much per pound did they pay for shmurah matza?
7) Did they open the door for Eliyahu Hanavi, even though he hadn't been born yet?
8) Did they peel everything, seeing as in my house, a team of three is working almost constantly to maintain this standard for far fewer people than they had?
9) Did anyone's matza or matza crumbs ever get wet, and what happened to them if it did?
10) How many stores did the average person in the desert have to visit on Pesach?