Chasidic Story Template
First of all, all of the characters in the story are either good or evil. There is never any multidimentional, dillema torn Yidel who keeps what he needs for expenses. Secondly, the good guys (black hats in this case) always win. Period. Thirdly, the mystical magic works, even in the reality of the story. Fourthly, no part of the plot is ever left unresolved, as in real life. The designated tzadik of the story will converse with heavenly beings if necessary to make sure that every aspect of the story is concluded positively.
This is the template more or less:
Once upon a time, a long time ago in (Eastern Europe town), there was a Chasid who was (humble / poor /extremely wealthy but philanthropic / a hidden tzadik) but totally unlearned. He was completely nullified in existence to his rebbe, whom he saw once every several years. He had to travel (uphill in twenty feet of snow / across raging rivers / in his Lincoln Towncar / with no shoes / with shoes no laces / his horse had no shoes / no snowshoes / no snow tires) to see his rebbe, to whom his life was devoted. After a long day's work as a (water carrier / tailor / tax consultant / real estate con man), he began his two week trek to see his rebbe about a very important, life consuming problem he was having. He was (poor / childless / ill or dying, himself or relative/ smart and his children were ignoramuses / an ignoramus and his children were smart / being investigated for real estate fraud / a monomonastical fundamentalist whackjob). Upon arriving in town, he immediately found lodging even though he was extremely poor, because when you are going to see your rebbe, everything is magically prepared for you.
At Shacharis the next morning, he went right up to the rebbe who recognized him immediately. After shacharis, he sat down with the rebbe who had nothing better to do than listen to this guy kvetch. After hearing the problem, the rebbe consulted with (his gabbaim / the malachai hasharais / the Satan / a real estate criminal lawyer / his relatives who all had their own chasidic sect, since they were all the grandsons of HaRav Aryeh Dreitmirakopf of (East Europe town), who was the only descendant of the Rav of (even harder to pronounce East Europe town) who all happen to be in town that very day / an invisible visitor, whom he referred to as Eliyahu). The rebbe disappeared into his private room, where we can assume he (flew across the ocean by magic / obtained some magical cure by magic / obtained some holy object with kabalistic, ie magic, powers / bent a spoon with the power of his mind). When he emerged, he (had salt water in his beard / gave the magic object to the Chasid). He told the Chasid to (do some unintelligible thing with the magic object / mix the magic cure into some unknown potion / go to some far away place / sit with a therapist and deal with his issues), any of which should have no effect on his problem, but will miraculously at the end of our story prove the wisdom of this particular flavor of Judaism, and backhandedly put down some other group with which our flavor is perpetually at war.
In this town, there also lived a poretz (a goy, who is by definition, evil, stupid, antisemitic, and always drunk). He was planning to (commit a pogrom / harm a Jew / raise taxes / commit real estate fraud, which for him would be a bad thing / open a competing business with a Jew / open a university). Somehow, this Jew, whom the rebbe sent on this adventure, goes on this quest, even though his starving wife and 85 children are at home and he is not even earning the meager living that he normally does to sustain them over the course of several weeks. Since they should of all rights starve to death waiting for the father to return, we do not include this aspect in the story. Meanwhile, he runs into the poretz, the situation becomes dire, he telepathically communicates with the rebbe or finds the instructions that the rebbe had presciently written on a note and sereptitiously hidden on the person of the Chasid, which tells him what to do with the magic or holy object or whatever at the very last possible second, and by following the rebbe's advice, the Jew's problem is solved, the poretz is (thwarted / killed / thrown in jail, even though he is the only guy who throws people in jail in this town / meets with unfortunate circumstances), everyone is safe at their respective bases, even though, by common sense, the rebbe's advice should have resulted in the deaths of millions of people, or at least an inning ending double play. The rebbe then (talks to the angels again / talks to the mysterious beggar, Eliyahu, again / opens a sefer and reads a random page / consults the local Yenta) and explains the hashgacha protis behind all of this maaseh in every detail, and the rebbe's cryptic instructions.
The moral of the story is:
1) Always listen to your rebbe, even if his advice makes no sense or sounds dangerous.
2) Always trust in holy objects and magic, if you are guided by chasidic custom.
3) Our flavor of Chasidus is good, not like other people who shall remain nameless.
4) Your rebbe wears a giant R on his shirt under his (sartuk / capota / Old Navy sweatshirt)
5) Everyone is either good or evil, and such is evident in each person.
Oh yes, and remember the old Yiddish dictum:
Oif a maaseh, freg nisht kashas.