Thoughts on Judaism

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Pharisee quiz

You maybe a "mystical approach" Pharisee, as described in Mishna Mesichta Sotah 22b. Millions are afflicted. Take the following short quiz to see if you need to see your doctor, mental health professional, or common sense counselor. Assume you are a single male.

1) Someone in your community owns a copy of "Mysterious Creatures" by Rabbi Nasan Slifkin. You should:

a) inform the local beis din immediately of the heretical material. Bug the room and ask the person if they agree with anything in the book.
b) break into the house at night and burn all of their sefarim. Though you may burn chumashim, it is permissible in light of the spread of potential heresy.
c) treat the person as if they were a leper.
d) ask the person if the book has aided them in their Judaism. Invite them for Shabbos to discuss.
e) mind your own business

2) A woman has just been hit by a car. She has fallen in a bloody heap to the pavement and her left leg is exposed. You should:

a) inform beis din immediately to beware of this brazen woman. Though this appears to be an accident, a true aishes chayil would have been careful when falling and would have dressed in clothing that would not have allowed this.
b) act swiftly with compassion. Move your hat so that the brim covers your line of sight and stare at the ground. Find a stick. Turn your back and slowly approach the woman backwards. Use the stick to move her hem until covers her knee.
c) use your cell phone to call a local medical expert, for instance an acupuncturist or homeopathist.
d) mind your own business
e) Render first aid personally by actually touching the woman. (See hint. Hint, hint, wink wink)
(Hint: In many quizzes, there is an obvious throw away answer, inserted strictly for amusement.)

3) An elderly non-Jewish woman who has just said hello in passing. You notice she is carrying heavy packages to her car 20 yards away. You should:

a) inform beis din that there be evil forces lurking about the neighborhood
b) scowl and walk away with your hat brim pulled over your eyes.
c) Return her greeting in an undertone (safa rafa).
d) Offer to help her take the packages to her car.
e) tell her that some of your best friends are also goyim.

4) You have accidentally cut your fingernails in the wrong order. You should:

a) immediately check your mezuzos and tefillin. Inform beis din to ask for advice.
b) contact a mekubal and ask for a kamia.
c) do something involving live pigeons.
d) say a Yom Kippur al chet.
e) open a book and randomly select a page. Try to fit some appropriate advice into the wording on the page, using parable or like situation. Follow the advice.
f) Try to avoid walking under ladders and crossing the trails of black cats, even though these would normally be considered superstitions.

5) Someone in your shul made kiddush on red wine between 6 and 7 PM, local standard time. You should:

a) inform beis din of the heresy.
b) move your telescope to focus on Mars and watch for strange signs until after 7 PM.
c) read War of the Worlds by H G Welles.
d) mind your own business
e) open a book and randomly select a page. Try to fit some appropriate advice into the wording on the page, using parable or like situation. Follow the advice.

6) A non-religious Jew in your neighborhood is reading a nonkosher book while sitting in a public park. You should:

a) threaten him with bodily harm. For best effect, imply that the neighborhood is full of young men who would like to "get involved".
b) casually hold your cigarette in your hand, act natural and pass by REAL close. OOPS!
c) a nonreligious Jew? In MY neighborhood???!!!
d) ask him if the book has helped him in his service to G-d.
e) do something involving live chickens.

7) Someone has put up a plaque in front of your synagogue honoring your venerable Rebbe, who died a decade earlier, but implying that he is, in fact, dead. You should:

a) threaten the others with bodily harm over the issue.
b) sneak over at night and file out the offending passages. Tell everyone that you see, including newspaper reporters, that you consider the Rebbe to be alive.
c) hire 24x7 security guards to defend the plaque.
d) secure large community bases by enforcing a single point of view. Intimidate and scare away any nonconforming citizens, regardless of position or roots in the community. Squelch all discussion and accuse any nonconformist of lashon hara and machlokes.
e) Take out full page ads in the NY Times proclaiming the age of the Messiah has arrived. Walk around the subways with placards that read "the end is neer". Mispell to affirm that you have never learned secular subjects in school.
f) proclaim that the Rebbe appeared to you in a dream and says to tear down the plaque. Proclaim that people still see the Rebbe, if they can perceive true reality. They primarily see him in bus stations talking to Elvis.
g) open a book and randomly select a page. Try to fit some appropriate advice into the wording on the page, using parable or like situation. Follow the advice.

8) You have had a disturbing dream. You should:

a) avoid pizza before bed time.
b) fast for three straight days, including Shabbos
c) spit three times toward the east.
d) forget about it.
e) attach life-changing spiritual significance, based on your mekubal's interpretation of the dream.
f) change the course of medical treatment of a sick relative based on the vividness of the dream.

9) A person in your synagogue drives to shul on Shabbos and is married to a goy. You should:

a) calculate the person's total net worth. Judge accordingly.
b) calculate the person's total annual donations. Judge accordingly.
c) consider the person's character and level of observance. Judge accordingly.
d) Don't judge. Mind your own flipping business.
e) calculate the person's batting average. Judge accordingly.
f) consider the person's last name, wife's and mother's maiden name, and possible allies.
g) consider the cost / benefit of inflicting bodily harm. Threaten with gang action as indicated, if you can get away with it.

10) During davening, you should:

a) watch carefully to make sure everyone is davening properly. Inform them if they are not.
b) walk around the synagogue reminding people that they should not be talking during davening.
c) walk around the syngogue reminding people that your organization lives on tzedaka.
d) walk around the shul and casually inform everyone of who is and isn't davening.
e) walk around the shul and casually inform everyone of who is and isn't present.
f) mind your own business, ... oh, yeah, and daven.

If you answered any of these questions, you may be a total psycho. Get help and stay away from my children. The Rebeltzin has a baseball bat.

5 Comments:

  • great fun.
    That took alot of preparing.
    Kol Hakovod.

    By Anonymous daat y, at 9:48 PM  

  • Very funny. And inspirational.

    By Blogger Godol Hador, at 10:32 PM  

  • "Rebeltzin".

    :)

    By Blogger Balabusta in Blue Jeans, at 11:37 PM  

  • bwaaaa!

    That's awesome - reminds me of the regularly-lampooned (at least in my community) book 9 to 5, which says that a man should be prepared to martyr himself rather than shake hands with a woman.

    Needless to say, our Purim shpiel has had a lot of fun with that. :)

    By Blogger David, at 1:03 AM  

  • "Walk around the subways with placards that read "the end is neer". Mispell to affirm that you have never learned secular subjects in school."

    Just wanted to point out that you misspelled "misspell".

    By Blogger Daniel, at 8:36 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home