Thoughts on Judaism

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Are You Chabad? - Part 2

After the previous test , I decided to tone it down. By popular request, here are some of the other questions. All references to real people living or dead are deleted. Still, there are those who will be offended, though no offense is intended. Deal wid it.

1) How much spit is mopped off the floor of 770 after the final aleinu of Yom Kippur? (Express answer to the nearest litre.)

2) When is the most chasidishe time for shacharis to begin?
a) 1 PM
b) 5 PM
c) 8 PM
d) tomorrow morning

3) My beard contains:

a) the remains of my last 3 meals
b) the remains of the baby's last 3 meals
c) the remains of unknown birds and possibly reptiles
d) a few grey hairs
e) OK, a more than a few
f) all of the above

4) Bobby has just walked into chabad house for the first time. He has never met a frum Jew before, and he is 18 years old. You should:

a) have him chant Yechi 3 times
b) tell him you have nothing to do with those crazy Yechi people
c) run every Yechi person out of town
d) tell him about the Rebbe's miracles
e) say "hi, I am Rabbi __________"
f) find out serepticiously if he has money

5) Friday night davening has ended at 5:45. You live 10 minutes walk from the shul. You should:

a) sprint home with all of the children, prepare kidush and challah, get through Shalom Aleichem and get in kidush at 5:59:55.
b) use white wine
c) fail to believe in the astrology behind this "custom"
d) sit in shul and batul until 6:50
e) learn a sicha until 8:00
f) set your clock back an hour

6) Complete the following sentence: The wedding will be at Oileh Toireh ________
a) if the misnagdim don't come and wreck up the place
b) if the musicians are available
c) if, chas v'chalilah, the unthinkable happens, lo aleinu, and moshiach doesn't come by then, so it can be in Yerushalyim ir hakodesh, im yirzeh hashem, bimhera byameinu mamash takeh mamash shbemamash, at which point Oileh Toireh will fly to Yerushalayim so it makes no difference, baruch hashem
d) if the goyim don't come and wreck the place
e) yechi adoneinu moreinu etc.

7) If you hear a Besht story, the proper attitude is that:
a) it is absolutely true like a pasuk Toireh
b) it could definitely be true but might have been true of someone else
c) he could have done it
d) it is historically true, like the Golem of Prague, but may have been exaggerated a bit
e) the story is not about the Rebbe so who cares

8) What do Aish, Ner Yisroel, Ohr Samaiach have in common?
a) All are institutions of Torah learning
b) All are institutions of torah learning, but are not our derech
c) All are institutions of Torah learning, but are lacking basic fundamentals of Torah thought
d) All are run by scumbag misnagdim for scumbag misnagdim
e) All are satanic

9) Complete the following sentence: Long live our lord, our teacher __________
a) our Rebbe, King Christ forever and ever
b) our Creator, who lives forever
c) our supernal superman, who does miracles forever and ever
d) the Messiah, nuff said
e) the Messiah and then some

10) You are at a farbrengen, when someone questions the judgement of the Rebbe in instituting a particular custom. You try to speak sense to him, but to no avail. He still does not think that the new custom or its reasoning to be sound. You should:
a) slash his tires
b) break a vodka bottle over his head
c) throw herring and pickles at him
d) consider if what he is saying has any merit, however slight
e) call him a frei-ya chutzpan at the top of your lungs, so that he will see the error of his ways
f) threaten to spread rumors that he is a child molester

12 Comments:

  • Gee, I can see that being rationalist doesn't extend to knowing how to spell surreptitiously or judgment. I'm unsubscribing.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:19 PM  

  • 6. Kahn Tzivah Havaya es HaBracha!

    By Anonymous Yaakov, at 4:49 PM  

  • I will take the lumps for the spelling and typing mistakes, though judgement is as correct as judgment (surreptitiously is indeed mispelled, but mispelled is not). Though rationalism does not endow us with perfect spelling, I presume that it does endow us with prophecy, does it not RMM?

    By Blogger Rebeljew, at 8:53 PM  

  • And even with prophecy you can confuse fission with fusion.

    By Anonymous Yaakov, at 10:30 PM  

  • LMAO!!!

    Great post!

    I love your blog. Keep it up.

    YW Editor

    By Blogger Y.W. Editor, at 11:12 PM  

  • You left out a choice for "all of the above"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:41 PM  

  • Re 10)b:

    According to an anecdote (names available upon request), a chassid in the 1920s pulled his child out of a Soviet gymnasium and into yeshiva after at a farbrengen, a flying bottle of vodka broke over his head.

    It all depends on who's throwing, and at who. Chassidim have a way of recognizing and appreciating sincerity.

    By Blogger Nathan, at 1:45 AM  

  • You have apparently decided on your own that Judaism should be one approach over another. Just what basis do you say it is the vast majority?
    You also apparently have a lot of anger towards different approaches to Judaism that don't conform to your rationalism. Is that rational or a rationale? Sounds like you need to work out these issues first.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:42 PM  

  • Great Blog - thanks for the laughs and the alternative thinking!

    Dov

    By Anonymous Dov Aryeh, at 6:03 AM  

  • Keep up the good work
    » »

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:12 AM  

  • Custom Steel Wheels can be found here for any make of classic hot rod or street rod

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:55 PM  

  • Man, I am not even frum and it hurts to see the sadness in venom that infects the person posting this blog. Drivel.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:41 PM  

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