Thoughts on Judaism

Monday, August 29, 2005

The End is Near

It says that in the times of Moshiach, Nevua will return. And I think I can report that this is happening throughout the Jewish world. Blogs like Heshy, R' Lazar Brody (with nod to the ultrareal Orthomom) and others are revealing G-d's reasons for bringing various calamities upon us. For that, a person must have prophetic powers or at least be a tzadik. However, it seems that this awesome power has been turned over to the bloggers. And why should I be left out? I want to do this also, and I can show how G-d has brought various calamities, measure for measure against the Jewish people.

1) The Jewish nation won a war in 1967 and held all of the West Bank and Gaza. But, they invited the Arabs back and created an enemy within their borders ever since. Then, in 1993, Rabin called the PLO back from Tunis, again bringing a bitter enemy in the house. So it is no wonder that G-d paid measure for measure and caused the Boston Red Sox to win the ALCS, even within the very House that Ruth Built. The Yankees had won 3 in a row, including a devasting 6 day rout 19-8. The Gematria of Boston Red Sox is the same as Hisb al Tachrir al Falestine, the full name of the PLO. Ooooooooooh!

2) Hurricane Katrina was not the result of Gaza but of the Jews not wearing black yarmulkas. G-d caused their little knit kefira caps to fly across the bayou.

3) Many Jews put their faith in magic medicine, based on avoda zara and nonsense. These methods are taught by self styled experts in dogma, who know little about science, common sense, or proper observation. They were paid back with the Slifkin ban, where the largest minds in Judaism today, en masse, made utterly clear how little they knew about science, common sense, and proper observation.

4) Young Jewish children disrespect their parents by not eating their vegetables, even after being admonished repeatedly. There is no doubt that Islamic extremism's resurgence was not far behind. Leaving behind the brussel sprouts and feeding them to the dog clearly brought Osama to New York. G-d paid back their insolence measure for measure. The Gematria of "non-kid-friendly green material" is equal to the Gematria of "Al Qaeda will return and destroy the city". Or was that Nostradamus?

5) All Jews know that G-d is a registered democrat, emulated by the vast majority of his chosen people. That is why He showed his displeasure at the repeated election of Republicans by forcing Americans to listen to Ted Kennedy (D,MA), chairman of Senate Committee on Temperance, and Robert Byrd (D,WV), Grand Wizard of the Senate Geriatric Committee, to speak publicly. Next to the verse of "Becharta B'Chaim", every 169th letter spells out "Leiberman '08".

6) Many people touch their shoes and do not wash their hands as Jewish law dictates. There can be no doubt that this caused a tsunami disaster, killing hundreds of thousands of people, many of whom work as slave labor in shoe factories.

While prophecy is an ikar of the Jewish faith, I did not find it particularly difficult. Making a few simple connections should have been easy for our sages over the years, yet they allowed the era of prophecy to end. I suppose they did not have bloggers. Their loss.

Note about Gematria: A certain Chasidic Rebbe would "fer tish" every Shabbos. He noted that the Gematria of Vodka was the same Shabbos Koidesh. One of the Chasidim pointed out that even on cursory examination, one could see that the Gematria of Vodka was nowhere near that of Shabbos Koidesh. The Rebbe thought a moment and concluded that if this Chasid would take some more Vodka, it would add up correctly.

14 Comments:

  • LOLOLOL. Thanks for the laugh.

    By Blogger orthomom, at 12:00 AM  

  • Hey !!

    Enable your blogger spam guard features - it's a pity to see so many BS comments.

    Ponder this friend - Religion. The drug of the nation.

    Peace and happy blogging.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:34 AM  

  • great !

    What do you're prophetic abilities sense for the future of the blogosphere?

    By Blogger Ben Avuyah, at 12:56 PM  

  • PAIN!

    (Hint: Mr. T)

    By Blogger Rebeljew, at 1:30 PM  

  • By the grace of G-d
    Shalom uBrocha!
    1) Vodka does add up to Shabbos with shinui osiot counted be gematria ktana look: Vov +Vov+Dalet+Kuf+Alef=18=1+8=9 Shin+Beis+Dalet=306=3+6+9=18=1+8=9
    Shabbos Koidesh also adds up to 9 if you can count right look:
    Shabbos=9 (gematria ktana see above) Koidesh = 8 (Kuf+Dalet+Shin =404=4+4=8) now 8+9=17 which is Vodka -1 and thus Shabbos Koidesh im haKolel = Vodka .
    So there stop slandering Chassidic Rebbes:-)
    2)Speaking of prophecy see
    THE RAMBAM SAYS: THERE IS A PROPHET IN OUR TIME! When people ask how we can say there’s a prophet in our time, the question is not on Lubavitchers but on the Rambam, who states that prophecy will return before the coming of Moshiach. * An in-depth look at the phenomenon of prophecy in our time, twelve years after the Rebbe asked us to publicize his prophecy of “Behold he (Moshiach) has come! By Rabbi Avrohom Mendel Wechter
    Rosh Kollel in Nachalat Har Chabad http://www.torah.5u.com/prophecy.html

    With respect and blessing.
    Ariel Sokolovsky
    http://www.MoshiachTV.Blogspot.com

    By Blogger Rabbi Ariel Sokolovsky, at 11:40 PM  

  • "I've been thinking," said Pooh, "and I think ... "
    "No," said Rabbit. "Don't. Run. Come on." And they all hurried off, Rabbit leading the way.

    [The House at Pooh Corner]

    pfreedman

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:40 PM  

  • Did you know that if you take the gematria ketana of Ariel Sokolovsky, divide by the square root of pi and add the difference of the digits, you get an orange kangaroo in Denmark? ... I think. sigh!

    By Blogger Rebeljew, at 11:31 PM  

  • Great pst.Right on the mark.-very clever and funny.

    By Anonymous daat y, at 1:06 AM  

  • Oh thank goodness! I followed your link from that hateful moron Heshy's blog-- I guess I didn't immediately sense the sarcasm.

    I am releived that RebelJew seems to be a thinking individual.

    By Blogger Joclyn, at 7:19 PM  

  • I don't understand your problem. you want to be a Modern, thinking person. But Judaism isn't about that. Chazal are quite happy that the witch of Ein Dor could bring back Shmuel haNovi, and that Eliyohu could soak his korbonus in water and still have them catch fire, and Bilam could fly away when the Jews came to pursue him, etc etc. In short, Judaism is not 'modern' (a word that means 'based on enlightenment values', and really means a post-Christian perception of reality). So if you don't like it, that's fine, go have a nice day. But why try to bend the system to your understanding? That is what Eliyohu said to the worshippers of Ba'al; why are you standing on the fence?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:52 AM  

  • wha?

    By Blogger Joclyn, at 11:39 AM  

  • anonymous um, because kabbalistic gematria can, if sufficiently inventive, connect any two random events? and when we go from miracles that observers are compelled to conclude are miraculous (talking asses--well, at least Balaam's; water soaked fires, etc.) to "proving" that apparently natural events are "miraculous" through open-ended acrostic manipulation diverts us to endlessly arbitrary and circular time sinks? the organization of your paragraph is itself "modern" in its internal articulation.

    pfreedman

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:51 AM  

  • joclyn
    Heshy is not hateful or horrible or anything of the sort. He is very simply the product of Yeshiva training, fundamentalism, and lack of critical thinking skills (probably willingly). He is what our current methods of chinuch encourage to grow. He is what we are all currently training our children to be. Coffee brewing yet?!

    anon 1: The Rambam defined witchcraft like Endor in terms of visions and dreams. He understood miracles as just that, rare events, where G-d changed nature for one instance, for particular purpose. Presumably, he is just interpreting Chazal and does not consider them scientifically infallible. He does not believe that they believe in actual witchcraft. So while you have support in some circles, you have rabid opposition in others (like the rationalist camp), one is certainly far from "forced" to accept what you say.

    By Blogger Rebeljew, at 12:09 PM  

  • I understand.

    I need to go lie down.

    By Blogger Joclyn, at 10:39 PM  

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