Thoughts on Judaism

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Sons of Avraham Part 2

Well, after our failed vacation trip, we returned home to news that some of the "Occupy" movements had become violent, you know, those movements in every city that are directing anger at "bankers", i.e. Jewish bankers, i.e. Jews, who are all bankers. So, my family sat down to discuss possible scenarios to defend our home in case of attack.

Scenario one.

Suppose a couple of bachurim that we have never met before came to the door, and the "occupiers" chose that moment to riot. They surround the house and the bachurim are trapped inside. Now, I like to think out of the box, and so I came up with a really creative plan. My two daughters, who are both engaged BH, were home. So I suggested, in case they were home when the riot began, that we could offer them up to the angry mob to protect the bachurim inside. I could use my influence in town to sell the idea to the crowd and then they would spare us and the bachurim. My wife and family do not always appreciate my ideas, but I feel that their over-reaction to this idea was completely out of line. Both of my daughters also complained to their chasanim, but they tried to placate the girls by saying that I must be joking. Where is everyone's spirit of mesiras nefesh?

So that was a bust.

So, having failed to convince my wife on our adventure to Egypt, I decided to take my sons on a trip. The older one has always been a bit of a wild kid and likes to endanger others just for fun, so I will have him stay with the car while the younger one and I go exploring. We like the mountains. Then, I had this great idea. Let's see how my younger son, a really nice and obedient kid, reacts to my thinking out of the box. So, I suggest that we leave the older son with the car, while we go on a hike and have a personal barbecue up on one of the mountains. I brought picnic basket and we started up the slope. When we got to the top, he says to me, "I see you brought barbeque sauce, ketchup, mustard, and you even brought firewood and a knife. So why didn't we stop off at the kosher butcher and get some meat to roast?" I explained that the voices in my car had told me to barbecue him. At first, he was all into it. However, as I tied him down to slit his throat, he began to have reservations, but it was too late. He just gave me a look, you know, that "I'm so disappointed in you Dad, but do what you think is right" look. Just then, the voices from the car spoke to me again and said that really, tying him down was all that was required and I could now release him. I even saw a ram with its horns stuck in a tree, so voila, barbecue. We had a great time, but ever since, my son has been acting out in school and he keeps muttering strange things to himself. Then, they were going to have a class picnic, and the teacher says that my son freaked out and hid under his desk yelling "Take my brother. He's bigger, he has more lean meat on him and he's a jerk too!"

I tell you, raising kids is tough.


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