Thoughts on Judaism

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Are You Jewish

A short quiz to determine if you have the mental and emotional wiring to be Jewish.

1) If invited to a wedding at 6 PM, when do you assume that it will actually start?

a) 6 PM
b) 6:05 PM
c) 7 PM
d) Whenever you arrive

2) When should you arrive at said wedding?

a) 6 PM
b) 6:05 PM
c) 7 PM
d) 11 PM
e) After I go out and get a few things, some shtick, a gift, a better gift, return the first gift, change clothes again and what is it called for? 6? The wedding is only 2 1/2 hours away. That's OK, they never start on time.

3) If davening starts at 7 and you see someone entering the shul at 7 that you have never met before, you should greet him with:

a) Kak Dyela
b) Velkumen, vas is dein nomen?
c) Burich Habu, shulem aleichim, vus herst dach a Yid?
d) Shalom Alaychem, mah nishma
e) Como Estas
f) Wazzup?

4) You call your son's cell phone, but he does not answer after 3 rings, you:

a) panic
b) assume he has been killed horribly in a fiery accident, even though you told him not to drive like that, they never listen!
c) assume he is ill and has been rushed to the hospital with bubonic plague
d) assume he was occupied with some business
e) try again in a few minutes
f) assume he is hanging around with his no good friends again and is avoiding your call
g) assume he is out of range or his phone is not functioning

5) Is it cloudy or sunny today?

a) Cloudy!
b) Sunny!
c) Yes it is!
d) It depends on what you mean by "cloudy" and "sunny".
e) If you consider cloudiness as one cloud per 4 cubits and there are no other climatic factors ...
f) It depends on how you hold on the question of Yashan

6) What is the proper response to "are you worried that it will rain?"

a) Yes
b) No
c) Should I be?
d) Nu?
e) Worried?

7) What is the proper response to "Nu?"

a) Shoulder Shrug
b) Bewildered look
c) "Nu nu!"
d) "Sha!"
e) Give him money

8) How do you purchase an automobile?

a) Research best prices and models, go retail dealer with information, select model, color and style appropriate
b) Go to your brother's friend. Has he got a deal for you!
c) Retail? What's up with THAT?
d) How much could a Lexus cost already?
e) Ask your son what to do. He knows about mechanical things.

9) You are 80 years old. You go out for fresh air and want to see the ocean. In which direction do you look?

a) East by southeast
b) West
c) Across the Sound
d) Toward the Keys
e) Over the railing of the yacht that you are on
f) North
g) East or South, whichever you prefer
h) Toward Catalina
i) Toward the television

10) What is your favorite holiday?

a) The fourth of July
b) Pesach
c) Purim
d) Thanksgiving
e) Big Bob's 24 hour Bash. Everything must go!
f) Yom Ha-atzma-ut
g) Yahrzeit of the (impossible to pronounce name of Eastern European town)er Rebbe
h) The one with all the honey and bees


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