Bans from the Rav
Bans of the Rav
It has been custom to call many people "the Rav". Thus, when someone quotes the Rav, they are ususally safe, since they could be referring to almost anyone in the past 2500 years or so, since Rav in the Gemora. However, for purposes of these pahkevilen, only my Rav, a true chasidishe yid, maleh daas torah, is THE "the Rav". These declarations represent Daas torah, and as such, they are the declarations of the Ribono shel Olam Himself, not subject to discussion of any kind, and certainly not chas v'shalom to any sort of disputation. The real Torah True Jews of the world, who follow a true chasidishe Hashkafa, will be subject to all of these neshama saving measures immediately and indefinitely.
These measures will be tailored to bringing back control to the appropriate authorities through the traditional methods of public shame and accountability.
Internet
The Internet is a medium that users can use to get all manner of filth and garbage into their homes and minds. Emails, blogspots, craigslists, pornography, information about NCSY, modern Orthodox "dvar Torah", apikorsus, smut, filthy jokes, antisemitism, treif foods, and even information about evolution can be accessed in a few moments. Where once one would have to go into a smut store, library, or a Modern Orthodox synagogue to get access to such things, a person can now do so in the privacy of their own home, opening a world of temptation, rachmana litzlan. A community may be totally unaware that a member is accessing these materials. Also, one may order things to come to his home, without anyone of responsibility in the community able to monitor what he is doing. It is needless to say that any Chasidishe house must not have such Internet in their walls.
While "making a parnasa" opens the field to a wide range of ways to kasher this treife Internet, the Rav, in his infinite compassion, will allow certain individuals to have Internet in their homes for parnasa, under following conditions:
1) Responsible community rabanim, approved by the Rav, will be able to monitor all Internet traffic, through software installed on each chasidishe computer, like J-net. Being the most forthright and honest people in the neighborhoods, naturally all will trust the rabanim not to compromise passwords, security codes, or digital signatures.
2) The job or business must be approved by the Rabanim, and its reasons for use of the Internet must be justified thoroughly, under scrutiny of the Beis Din.
3) Anyone attempting to reach a site that is forbidden by the rabanim must face a din Torah so that the rabanim can remove his Internet access, and report all appropriate information in a pashkevil.
Telephones
A chasidishe house should not have a telephone, which can be used in all sorts of unseemly sins. Before phones, one had to go to a treif restaurant and risk being seen by others in the community. However, with a telephone, a person can order treif to come to his home. Even worse things can be ordered in "plain brown wrapping" rachmana litzlan, and others in the community might never know or see. If one must have a phone because it is required for parnasa, he should use only J-phone, which allows rabanim to listen to all of his telephone conversations, to make sure that he does not fall astray lo aleinu, oi meh haya lanu.
Mail
A chasidishe house should not allow mail to be delivered or sent. If a person must send or receive mail for parnasa, he should use only J-mail, which allows rabanim to inspect every piece of mail to make sure that he does not fall astray, oi va voi, hashem yishmereinu.
Electricity and electrons
A chasidishe house must never have electrons. While I am not expert in these matters, as I am just a simple kanoi, the Rav obviously know what electrons are, and would not have banned them without ample justification.
Cars
No chasid must ever ride in an "OTO" because of shmiras henefesh. Many car accidents happen daily, and if the ban saves even one life, it will have performed the act of saving a world, as it says, "One who saves a life, it is as if he saved the entire world." Also, people can go in privacy to places of ill repute, like "adult stores", non-heimishe supermarkets (which sell both kosher and rachmana litzlan non-kosher products), banned concerts, casinos, nightclubs and Modern Orthodox synagogues. People can travel quickly by car several miles to a secluded illicit spot, whereas such trips are impractical on foot. (see section entitled "Shoes".)
Music
All music is a danger to the neshama. Today's "Jewish music" is based on goyishe avoidah zara tunes that have been altered slightly or set to Jewish sounding words, even oi lanu mah asinu, words of holy pasukim, put to treife musical notes. Reports have been given to the Rav of new music being written as recently as a few decades ago, which our fathers and zeides never knew, lo aleinu. Singers create large concerts that are often attended by both men and women. However, even if there are only men at the concert, it is possible that women are lurking outside, waiting to meet illicitly with men. Needless to say, one who totally abstains from music, tavoi alav habracha. However, after much consideration , the Rav would allow one to hum ay ay ay or tum tum tum to no particular arrangement of musical notes. La la la is based on goyishe avodah zara and is forbidden.
News
No one should listen to news, even if it is not conveyed by a forbidden medium such as televison (chas v'shalom), radio or newspaper. For instance, even if a non-Jewish acquaintance offers to tell you "news", you must not listen, acknowledge or receive the "news" in any way. News programs generally use an attractive woman to deliver the news, which raises issues of lo sasuru acharei anaihem (television), kol isha (radio), darchei emori (all other forms). the Rav holds that this issur is d'oraisa, since it involves one of the most stringent rules in the Torah, men coming into contact with women.
Shoes
No one is permitted to wear shoes, except in climates where loss of limb may occur. In those cases, the feet may be encased in cloth and a sandal may be worn over the foot to prevent frostbite. Before shoes, people could not walk so quickly, and therefore, they could not attend the bars, newstands, Modern Othodox synagogues, adult stores, and other places mentioned above except with in a small area. Since no one has ever been killed in a shoe accident, its use may be permitted in extreme circumstances.
Use of language
In a chadishe hois is faran kein goyish. A chasidishe home should use authentic yiddish as its only language. Variants such as Yinglish, unknown to Moshe Rabeinu and the holy Chazal, are permitted only among those who can not remember the authentic pure Yiddish word and may waste time from Torah in trying to remember the correct word. Using languages other than Yiddish also allows Jews to speak to non-Jews chas v'chalilah and they may come to follow the ways of the goyim. As the Rav has taught us, in the days of the Tanach, David Hamaylech, spoke only Hebrew to deraybishter and Yiddish to other people. This is obvious from the pasuk in Tehillim, k'sus k'fered, spoken first to deraybishter in Hebrew, ksus, and then to the people in Yiddish, k'ferd.
Cereal
No Jewish house should ever have cereal, as the pasuk says in parshas vayaitzai, "ufarinu ba'aretz". It is clear that its only proper place is to be thrown on the ground. The antisemitic goyim have purposefully made certain cereals round so that they will roll under the furniture and radiators and cause the Jewish people to transgress Pesach, an issur karais, rachmana litzlan.
Cards
Playing cards are assur because of avodah zara. As we know, non-Jews use cards for fortune telling in a way that the Torah does not specify. Only fortune-telling in the ways that the Torah specifies can be condoned under certain circumstances, as the Ramban clearly states reish parshas Tazria.
Cumin
Cumin will not be found in a chasidihe house. The name of the spice cumin rhymes somewhat with woman, inspiring evil thoughts, hashem yishmarenu. On the same logic, anyone with chest pains must be put out the house immediately.
Photographs
It goes without saying that photographs are forbidden.
Indoor heat and air conditioning
Indoor heating and air conditioning is forbidden in a Jewish house. Such heating may induce women to remove their clothing, chas v'shalom. Air conditioning may induce women to put on attractive clothing.
Colors
Colors are the source of many michshalim and must be avoided at all costs. White, black and gray are permissible, if approved by community rabanim, in some circumstances. A person who is colorblind should say "hatov v'hamativ" along with morning brachas, for the immense blessing that Hashem has given him. Clothing that has "colors" should be removed from the closet and given to a non-Jewish charity.
It has been custom to call many people "the Rav". Thus, when someone quotes the Rav, they are ususally safe, since they could be referring to almost anyone in the past 2500 years or so, since Rav in the Gemora. However, for purposes of these pahkevilen, only my Rav, a true chasidishe yid, maleh daas torah, is THE "the Rav". These declarations represent Daas torah, and as such, they are the declarations of the Ribono shel Olam Himself, not subject to discussion of any kind, and certainly not chas v'shalom to any sort of disputation. The real Torah True Jews of the world, who follow a true chasidishe Hashkafa, will be subject to all of these neshama saving measures immediately and indefinitely.
These measures will be tailored to bringing back control to the appropriate authorities through the traditional methods of public shame and accountability.
Internet
The Internet is a medium that users can use to get all manner of filth and garbage into their homes and minds. Emails, blogspots, craigslists, pornography, information about NCSY, modern Orthodox "dvar Torah", apikorsus, smut, filthy jokes, antisemitism, treif foods, and even information about evolution can be accessed in a few moments. Where once one would have to go into a smut store, library, or a Modern Orthodox synagogue to get access to such things, a person can now do so in the privacy of their own home, opening a world of temptation, rachmana litzlan. A community may be totally unaware that a member is accessing these materials. Also, one may order things to come to his home, without anyone of responsibility in the community able to monitor what he is doing. It is needless to say that any Chasidishe house must not have such Internet in their walls.
While "making a parnasa" opens the field to a wide range of ways to kasher this treife Internet, the Rav, in his infinite compassion, will allow certain individuals to have Internet in their homes for parnasa, under following conditions:
1) Responsible community rabanim, approved by the Rav, will be able to monitor all Internet traffic, through software installed on each chasidishe computer, like J-net. Being the most forthright and honest people in the neighborhoods, naturally all will trust the rabanim not to compromise passwords, security codes, or digital signatures.
2) The job or business must be approved by the Rabanim, and its reasons for use of the Internet must be justified thoroughly, under scrutiny of the Beis Din.
3) Anyone attempting to reach a site that is forbidden by the rabanim must face a din Torah so that the rabanim can remove his Internet access, and report all appropriate information in a pashkevil.
Telephones
A chasidishe house should not have a telephone, which can be used in all sorts of unseemly sins. Before phones, one had to go to a treif restaurant and risk being seen by others in the community. However, with a telephone, a person can order treif to come to his home. Even worse things can be ordered in "plain brown wrapping" rachmana litzlan, and others in the community might never know or see. If one must have a phone because it is required for parnasa, he should use only J-phone, which allows rabanim to listen to all of his telephone conversations, to make sure that he does not fall astray lo aleinu, oi meh haya lanu.
A chasidishe house should not allow mail to be delivered or sent. If a person must send or receive mail for parnasa, he should use only J-mail, which allows rabanim to inspect every piece of mail to make sure that he does not fall astray, oi va voi, hashem yishmereinu.
Electricity and electrons
A chasidishe house must never have electrons. While I am not expert in these matters, as I am just a simple kanoi, the Rav obviously know what electrons are, and would not have banned them without ample justification.
Cars
No chasid must ever ride in an "OTO" because of shmiras henefesh. Many car accidents happen daily, and if the ban saves even one life, it will have performed the act of saving a world, as it says, "One who saves a life, it is as if he saved the entire world." Also, people can go in privacy to places of ill repute, like "adult stores", non-heimishe supermarkets (which sell both kosher and rachmana litzlan non-kosher products), banned concerts, casinos, nightclubs and Modern Orthodox synagogues. People can travel quickly by car several miles to a secluded illicit spot, whereas such trips are impractical on foot. (see section entitled "Shoes".)
Music
All music is a danger to the neshama. Today's "Jewish music" is based on goyishe avoidah zara tunes that have been altered slightly or set to Jewish sounding words, even oi lanu mah asinu, words of holy pasukim, put to treife musical notes. Reports have been given to the Rav of new music being written as recently as a few decades ago, which our fathers and zeides never knew, lo aleinu. Singers create large concerts that are often attended by both men and women. However, even if there are only men at the concert, it is possible that women are lurking outside, waiting to meet illicitly with men. Needless to say, one who totally abstains from music, tavoi alav habracha. However, after much consideration , the Rav would allow one to hum ay ay ay or tum tum tum to no particular arrangement of musical notes. La la la is based on goyishe avodah zara and is forbidden.
News
No one should listen to news, even if it is not conveyed by a forbidden medium such as televison (chas v'shalom), radio or newspaper. For instance, even if a non-Jewish acquaintance offers to tell you "news", you must not listen, acknowledge or receive the "news" in any way. News programs generally use an attractive woman to deliver the news, which raises issues of lo sasuru acharei anaihem (television), kol isha (radio), darchei emori (all other forms). the Rav holds that this issur is d'oraisa, since it involves one of the most stringent rules in the Torah, men coming into contact with women.
Shoes
No one is permitted to wear shoes, except in climates where loss of limb may occur. In those cases, the feet may be encased in cloth and a sandal may be worn over the foot to prevent frostbite. Before shoes, people could not walk so quickly, and therefore, they could not attend the bars, newstands, Modern Othodox synagogues, adult stores, and other places mentioned above except with in a small area. Since no one has ever been killed in a shoe accident, its use may be permitted in extreme circumstances.
Use of language
In a chadishe hois is faran kein goyish. A chasidishe home should use authentic yiddish as its only language. Variants such as Yinglish, unknown to Moshe Rabeinu and the holy Chazal, are permitted only among those who can not remember the authentic pure Yiddish word and may waste time from Torah in trying to remember the correct word. Using languages other than Yiddish also allows Jews to speak to non-Jews chas v'chalilah and they may come to follow the ways of the goyim. As the Rav has taught us, in the days of the Tanach, David Hamaylech, spoke only Hebrew to deraybishter and Yiddish to other people. This is obvious from the pasuk in Tehillim, k'sus k'fered, spoken first to deraybishter in Hebrew, ksus, and then to the people in Yiddish, k'ferd.
Cereal
No Jewish house should ever have cereal, as the pasuk says in parshas vayaitzai, "ufarinu ba'aretz". It is clear that its only proper place is to be thrown on the ground. The antisemitic goyim have purposefully made certain cereals round so that they will roll under the furniture and radiators and cause the Jewish people to transgress Pesach, an issur karais, rachmana litzlan.
Cards
Playing cards are assur because of avodah zara. As we know, non-Jews use cards for fortune telling in a way that the Torah does not specify. Only fortune-telling in the ways that the Torah specifies can be condoned under certain circumstances, as the Ramban clearly states reish parshas Tazria.
Cumin
Cumin will not be found in a chasidihe house. The name of the spice cumin rhymes somewhat with woman, inspiring evil thoughts, hashem yishmarenu. On the same logic, anyone with chest pains must be put out the house immediately.
Photographs
It goes without saying that photographs are forbidden.
Indoor heat and air conditioning
Indoor heating and air conditioning is forbidden in a Jewish house. Such heating may induce women to remove their clothing, chas v'shalom. Air conditioning may induce women to put on attractive clothing.
Colors
Colors are the source of many michshalim and must be avoided at all costs. White, black and gray are permissible, if approved by community rabanim, in some circumstances. A person who is colorblind should say "hatov v'hamativ" along with morning brachas, for the immense blessing that Hashem has given him. Clothing that has "colors" should be removed from the closet and given to a non-Jewish charity.
posted by Rebeljew at
10:14 PM
3 Comments:
This post made me laugh so hard! I especially liked the cumin entry.
By
srha, at 2:35 AM
This essay seems to be satire, I think. It is a slight exaggeration of what is going on.
By
Anonymous, at 7:37 PM
Blumenkrantz on religion! Excellent!
By
Anonymous, at 3:00 AM
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