Pesach for Real Men
Before we start, some of you will say "but my wife will not be happy if I wait and she will pester me, and we will cleaning need help to finish it by Pesach and ..." GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a Pesach cleaning guide for real men.
EVERYTHING you own or ever owned, even on Pesach, has been exposed to chametz dust and chametz air. Throw all of the clothing in your house, especially custom sheitels, the furniture, the chachkes and all of the food into a big pile and BURN it. A huge fire blazing away, what would give a real man more pleasure than that?! Fire officials say not to do this in your fireplace, but in a well ventilated, outdoors, open space where a large open flame will not endanger people or ... SNORE!!! Burn that puppy right in the fireplace, or if you are really manly, right in the middle of your living room. Do keep a pail of water around nearby. This will strengthen you insurance claim if you do happen to burn the house down. No worries. Of course, some of you will just not be up to this level, but it is highly recommended. It is only required l'chatchila if you have children. If you are serious about Pesach and chametz removal and you have children, you have no other option. Oh, you told them not to bring chametz out of the dining area, especially after Purim. Yeah, RIGHT!!!
Replace everything that you burned except food. Some of you are saying "but that will cost a lot of money, needlessly replacing things." MAN UP, and stop whining!!!! You don't make enough money working on the docks or driving the truck? Get a job giving tattoos and body piercings at nights until you are caught up. Or just throw it on the credit cards and let someone else worry about they are going to get the money from you (the more traditional method).
Purchase your Pesach food. Buy matzah, wine, real horseradish root, an apple, a celery stalk, an egg, a chicken neck, kosher l'Pesach bottled water, and kosher l'Pesach beef (8 days x 6 lbs = 48 lbs.). A real man shops for nothing else. It goes without saying that during steps 2 and 3, you have never left your house, as the only way a real man shops is online. Total time for shopping online in steps 2 and 3, 20 minutes.
There may be a bit of mess after this but three rooms especially need to be dealt with, the living room, the dining room and the kitchen.
The Living Room
Nothing warms the heart of a real man more than the sqealing roar of a power tool in a closed environment. In the living room, you probably have a bunch of worthless crap, even if you did not follow step 1 fully, and it is not charred to ashes. (Not everyone is manly enough for step 1, and their wife stopped them. You can continue here, even if this is case. It will be our secret.) This worthless crap is mostly your wife's hand picked furniture or generational hand-me-downs (but they are sentimental, blech!), books, rugs, coffee tables, pictures and other things that are not power tools and are therefore of no value. Other guides, written for women and homos, recommend that you remove the items from the room and sweep, mop, and shampoo the rugs. No way!
Enter the best tool known to mankind, the leaf blower! Dirt and ashes get caught under around all this stuff and a 250 mph wind storm is just the thing. Just fill it with gas, pull the cord, enjoy the soothing roar, start in the farthest corner and move methodically toward the door. Time: 15 minutes. It's Pesach after all, so do it right.
The Dining Room
Basically, this is the same as step 5, except there is probably actual chametz here. So you must use the leaf blower to blow this out of the house as well. There may be spaces that are small, where the chametz got in and grew through dust accumulation. Use the power drill and / or circular saw to alter your wife's great grandmother's old hutch, so that chametz can be removed more easily. Remember, this is real chametz, not just kitniyos. And of course, use eye protection, gloves, yada yada. (Does that cover us in case some nutball cuts his finger off, Morty?)
Next to the leaf blower, the best tool known to humanity is the BLOWTORCH!! Many people blowtorch the oven and the metal sink, and I agree, but do not miss opportunities afforded by this amazing tool. The refrigerator, the freezer, behind the refrigerator, behind the oven, the shelves, the cabinets, the counters, and under the sink can all benefit from this bit of technological progress. For a real fast clean up, try leaf blower on one arm, blowtorch in the opposite hand.
Go to a hotel for Pesach
The former exercise was really just for enjoyment. Now go to a hotel, and you do not have to sell anything.
Cooking the meat. Fire up the grill! Put the meat on the grill. Wait.
Oh yeah, and have a kosher and freilichen Pesach, dude!